Act 8, Scene 1

Life is a lot different.

Medicating myself everyday in more way than one.

Getting shit done....Sort of.....

Somewhat happier....

Still Lonely but fuck who cares...

Act 7, Scene 4

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'M A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!

Act 7, Scene 3

Why does it bother me so much.

I should be happy that your trying to make yourself happy.

But I can't seem to gather whether I'm even a thought on your mind.

I haven't talked to you in 4 days.

How do you go from being in love with someone to not talking to them at all.

Was this all just a lie or am I just thinking to much.

I feel like a fool.

But it's only because I've heard 2 sides to the story.

I wanna be hopeful but I don't think you want to be with me.

You gave me no reason to believe it anymore.

Why is it so hard to be honest to me of all people.

It's so hard to understand why people say that they can't live without me as their friend.

Tell me why?

I can't talk to anyone about you.

Which means I can't talk to anyone because all I wanna do is talk about you.

I have so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know whats real anymore.

This is all just becoming so irritating and I just find myself so pent up with anger and I don't want to be mad at you.

Were the last 3 months a lie.

Did I waste my time?

Did I waste yours?

Was anything true?

It sure feels like it wasn't.

Maybe I should give up?

Is that what you want?

I don't want to walk away but maybe it's what you want?

I don't know.

Not like you'd tell me anyways.

I'm sorry I'm bitter. I'm just thinking to much and I have nowhere else to vent about it.

Not like anyone reads anyways........

Act 7, Scene 2

Does anyone even care to read my blog? I feel like I'm talking to no-one.

Sad thing is I don't talk to anyone. There's one person that I feel I can talk to about anything and he's the only one that made an effort to see how I was doing.

Nobody else cares to ask.

Nobody cares?

Never really have.

We all get over it eventually right?

Maybe I'm just down and bitter and lost but I'm becoming cold and have no desire to trust or respect anyone anymore. Why should I? Give me something to believe in. Give me hope for something better...Give me one little grain of happiness.

Maybe I'm selfish.
Maybe I'm blind.
Maybe I'm not worth anyones time.
Maybe I am better on my own.
Or Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I want to feel weak for a second....

*Laughs Hysterically* Fuck it!

Act 7, Scene 1

Today I had a lot of time to think...
Too Much time to think...

I realized today,
I get worked up over some of the dumbest shit.
I worry about the future way to much.
I criticize everything around.
I love to easily.
I care to much.
I don't live enough.

But Over the past month, I thought my life was falling apart. Although it may be with everything thats happened I just stopped caring. One thing after another and it all continues to crumble and what do I do? I just sit there with no care. No worry. No desire to care or worry either.

Last night the girl that I love with everything in me told me she wanted to take a break. Not because of me but because she doesn't feel she is able to give me the time I deserve and she needs to figure herself out because she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me to much to do that.

So why after everything else thats been going on, why is it so hard for me to let this one thing be released from my mind.

And then I realized that it's because she really is the only thing I care about. She told me she was afraid that I was living for her. As if I'm so in love with her that nothing else matters. I lied and I told her no I'm not. I looked her straight in the eye and lied then I came home and broke down and cried because I knew it was true. Not to say I'm gonna kill myself if she weren't in my life. But because I became so reliant on how happy she makes me. How free I feel when it's just the two of us. As soon as that girl lays in my arms nothing in the world matters.

Everybody always gives me a hard time because I'm obsessed with my phone and my computer and sit on myspace and facebook and chat with girls and go to the bars and hit on girls and for the past 2 years thats been true.

I can't even allow myself to be around my friends that are girls now. I won't go to the bars because I don't want to run into any past flings. I don't wanna get those looks or have that awkward conversation telling some girl to get away from me. I barely drink anymore which is great. I don't smoke pot anymore which is great. I haven't had sex in over 3 months and surprisingly I'm ecstatic about it.

I don't even check my phone or computer except to see if I got something from her, I don't reply to hardly anyone because I just don't care to and I gave all these things up because I love this girl more than anything in the world. It's so hard to sit back and not be able to be with her. I saw her for the first time last night in over a week and didn't even get to give her a kiss because she told me she wanted to take a break. She didn't even sit next to me. Tonight for our friends going away party I didn't even get a hug I got an arm around the shoulder and not so excited to see me look. I understand though. Thats the part that bugs me is that anyone else that reads this is gonna tell me I'm a fool and that I'm stupid,but I understand. I am a fool and I am stupid with love for this girl. She's a tough one but she's better than any drug, any good time and anybody else around me. She pushes me and inspires me to be a better person. Best of all she doesn't hold back. She will speak her mind without censorship. She's loud she's crude she drinks beer and smokes more than I do and has experiences worth conversing upon. Everything I want all in one gorgeous girl.

I'm not sure what to do or whats going to happen, but all I know is, I can be there for her support her as the best friend that I was and still am and hope that she won't forget about "Us" I just want my girlfriend back, and I guess I just have to believe she'll come back to me.

I can live without you but I have no desire to........I love you!

Act 6, Scene 3

Falling apart piece by piece.

I should be use to it by now but this time is much worse.

I wait for the phone to ring but it never rings. Until I say I love you.

I wait to see your face. 3 days late it's an hour before I'm disappointed and you walk away again.

Then I wait for the phone to ring but it barely rings.

It's a constant struggle, all I can taste is blood my tongue so swollen I can barely speak.

I can't give up, but I can't give in.

Like a stupid sad love song "I just want you to want me"

Maybe I'm selfish, Maybe I'm dumb...

I'm growing weak, growing tired, growing restless.

What can I do? What do I do? What did I do?

Maybe I'm losing my mind....

I miss your warmth, I miss your touch, I miss your eyes looking into mine.

I miss that feeling of knowing your with me all the way, right by my side.

I don't enjoy this cold, I don't enjoy this distance.

It seems like at one point you were happy with me, you enjoyed being around me.

So I ask what changed, what did I do? do I need to change? tell me what to do and I'll sacrifice my pride to have you back.

Am I crazy?

You tell me that we're fine, maybe I just can't see?

Times are hard, and I understand, but I'm trying to be your crutch and you won't let me.

You tell me you will, that I'll be the first to know.

I know I shouldn't doubt you, but your fear is overbearing.

It's tearing us apart.

I lay here and wonder, I lay here and cry.

Worried and lost because of an uncontrollable feeling that consumes my very existance.

It's so hard to speak, and to look at you without wanting to runaway for fear of disappointment.

I'm not afraid of you, i'm afraid of losing you.

You tell me your not going anywhere, but sadly your already gone, you left about a month ago.

I bit my tongue as to not push you away with complaints and pointless conversation.

But it's not pointless, your everything to me.

You always were, don't you understand thats why I ran.

I didn't want to be the fool, I just wanted to be yours.

Two years later you were mine, I know it's not your intention but your running from me.

I can't be there for you, you won't let me.

I can't be with you, you won't let me.

I can't see you, you won't let me.

Worst of all our love won't work unless you let it.

I know I'm no shining star.

I know I'm nothing special.

I know I'm not full of fortune or amazing knowledge.

But I do know that I love you, and I know you love me.

So how do I get into your chaos.

I sit at home hoping I'll get a call, but the phone never rings.

I don't want to be with friends, what if I miss your appearance.

I don't want to see anyone but you.

I may lose friends, I may never leave the house.

But without you nothing matters at this point.

These words will prove to fail I'm sure.

I just want my girl back.

Act 6, Scene 2

Smoke my last cigarette, I'm kind of sad I need to buy another pack....

Went shopping for the lady for her birthday found some cool shit that I think she'll most definitely enjoy. And to think I almost just resorted to a couple cartons of smokes and a case of corona hahaha although I know she would have liked that I think she'll like her gifts more.

Hopefully I'll see her tomorrow who knows.

For now I'm gonna try and catch some z's which have been very scarce as of late.

Act 6, Scene 1

We find ourselves questioning everything around us. Wondering what we can do to change things, and change them for the better.

We ask ourselves questions that if we continue searching for them....well we'll never find any answers.

We search high and low for ultimate happiness when we know deep down we'll never find it.

The thing is we are only as happy and we make ourselves, We only better ourselves if we set our minds to do it. Last but not least those questions will only be answered if we let them be answered.

Today I woke up and realized sometimes you need to step back and let people do their own thing.

Sometimes you need to give people the space that will allow them to find themselves and in turn with by some great miracle of luck you might find yourself rewarded in doing so.

I know I can't change you, you know I can't change you, but maybe if I let you do what you want and stand back while you do it, maybe we'll be able to come back to what we both want, until then I sit here waiting and hoping that things will someday be ok.

As for the now, as hard as it is to say things are not ok, and I don't know how to make them ok. It takes 2 to tango and as for right now my toes are bruised,

If you need help I'm always here with an ear to listen, a throat full of words, and my heart is for you and for you alone. I know things are rough and I'm here to help when you need me, All you need to do is ask and I'll be there right beside you every step of the way.

Act 5, Scene 3

Today was a long and tiring day I wasn't a fan by any means too many thoughts running through my mind.

Me and Molly had an amazing talk tonight and it made me feel so much better. I truly do love that girl so much and even when I'm a whiny little bitch and make big deals out of things I'm so thankful she puts up with my bullshit and will hear me out and talk things out with me.

Now time for a movie and some slumbers....


P.S. So excited that Jesse is moving back It's gonna be good! hahaha

I'm Out bitches!!!!

Act 5, Scene 2

Somedays are better than others.

Some Feelings are better than the rest.

Sometimes we'll find what fits best in our life, sometimes we'll search and never find anything.

For once in my life I feel like I've actually prioritized things quite well.

People probably hate the amount of time I spend with that special someone but if anything I feel like it's helping me to become a better person.

I'm not filling my head with all the meaningless bullshit by listening to you dramatically describe how shitty your life is.

I'm not drinking myself stupid.

I'm not smoking as much.

I'm getting shit done.

Molly gives me that death stare when I say I'm not gonna do something that I know I need to do. And Fuck I'll admit I'm whipped and I do what she tells me........most of the time HA!!!

And for the first time in a long time. I feel whole. I feel complete.

My next step is to figure out how to dedicate myself to going to school full time so I can get my degree so I can move forward in my life and start my career in a town other than Eugene.

It's time to make life happen.

Grow up kid just grow up...................................Not as easy as it sounds!


On A side note it kills me to see someone so close to me hurting so much and there's absolutely nothing I can do besides just be there for her. It's hard to be a foundation in place for someone else. It'll never be there same and it's a big shoe to fill. Hopefully all will work out and I will do my best to be everything she needs and more.

Act 5, Scene 1

It's been awhile since I've posted so I just thought I'd share a little bit of new shit in my life.

First off my Beautiful Box The scion XB was reposessed. Basically I couldn't afford it and for now I say good riddance but someday in the future whether it be 10 years or 30 years I will own another one. Such a practical vehicle for everything I do in my life.

I did get a new car, not amazing but it runs and its cheap as hell. It's a 1998 Chevy Cavalier my grandparents loaned me the money and are helping me get back on my feet. It was only $1250 and insurance is only $84 for 6 months which will make my life so much easier.

Sadly I'm debating on bankruptcy. I know it will make my life hell for 7 years but I've bitten off more than I can chew and this car being taken away may put me in an even worse situation depending on how much they auction the car for. I could end up paying over $10,000 for a car that I don't even own. But i'm waiting till the car is sold then setting up a consultation and weighing out every option before i make that step.

But anywho.....

My Grandmothers Cancer is gone!!!!! Thankfully the old hag will be around for a few more good years. Now if the rest of my family would grow the fuck up and let her live those years for herself and leave her and my grandpa alone that would be great..."Kthanx" LOLZ!!!

Me and Molly are still together and couldn't be happier. She changed for the better and is such an amazing person. I honestly love her with everything in my heart. She supports me and has helped me in saving money and helped me learn so much about myself and supports my passions and won't let me sit back and watch things but encourages me to be the person I want to be and has no intention of changing me in anyway. I appreciate her so much.

I've been seeking out schools in different states to go to. I think in the next couple of years I need to get out of Eugene. If I don't I will continue down this path that will never lead me to where I need to be. I've been considering San Francisco because of the art culture they have down there. but i've also been looking into art schools all around the country. It's still undecided where I go and will take a lot of saving up and planning.

It's time to step up and make life happen. I gotta quit scratching my balls and sayin i'll do it tomorrow. Life only last so long and who knows when mine will end. Sad but true.

Thats about it but.....

A little something I wrote up after some drama occured

There was a time...

When Friendship, was filled with truth, respect, honesty, and love.

It was something that represented that much like family. You cared and were there when times got hard and realized that you had an affect on someone elses life.

Times get hard, life happens, and people lose sight of the fact that we all have an impact on everyone around us.

The world has lost sight of the true meaning of friends and family.

There was a time,

When you loved the ones around you unconditionally. Unfortunately now there are people that we can't even stand to be around.

Because of,
-Disrespect
-Distrust
-Dishonesty
-Lack of judgement
-Selfishness

We find ourselves in a place where we just don't want to care about anyone anymore. We push everyone out of our lives and we become cold heartless bitter souls in a sea of self pity.


Friend:
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

Someone once told me that "Friends never stick around, so they're disposable."

I don't want to believe this but for the first time I realize that there are certain friends that don't stick around. They're friends that weren't friends at all.

I've never been an amazing friend to anyone but I try my hardest too be the best friend I can to many people. Everyday people scream my name from moving cars or while walking down the street when they see me driving. I can't go anywhere without running into somebody I know or somebody who has heard about me. They call and text me as well as contact me through other mediums. I may not show much appreciation but realize that it doesn't go unnoticed. I've never understood why I've been so liked by so many people. Today I realized what it was. I CARE! Most people could care less. Even if I don't care out of respect in the means of human nature I will listen. I will try my hardest to help you the best I can whether I want to or not. It's who I am I've always been out to take care of the ones around me. I may not be the best at it but I try.

Keep in mind I'm nowhere near perfect or a saint. I'm just as bad as some people when it comes to some things involving friendship and family.

I write about this because tonight I realized I have some absolutely fucking amazing people in my life.

I have an amazing girlfriend that supports and puts up with me every day and still continues to amaze me every day.

I have amazing friends that today showed me why I love them so much. Drama will sometimes bring people close. Sometimes assumptions will put us in a horrible place. Sometimes listening and being honest will help you out. Give it a try sometime.

Today I lost a few friends in the process. Unfortunately they won't miss my presence. I tried. Sometimes we fail just to get back up again but you can only get back up so many times before you realize that you weren't meant to stand so you finally realize its time to just give up. But it's ok to give up. Failing without trying is when success will never be present. As long as you try success is in the eye of the beholder.

I feel I succeeded at finding something amazing in the remaining friends I have. Thank you for everything you did in the past couple days guys it means a lot more to me then you will ever know.

To those I lost, may you have a good life it was fun while it lasted but apparently we're better off without each other.

-Justin Lee Murray

Act 4, Scene 1.

It's been a long while since an Update.

it's gonna be short and sweet.

I hate people I'm a hermit but this lovely lady who once crushed me and made it so easy to hate her has stolen my heart and thankfully she let me have hers.

A lot of people will be upset at this decision, but I've seen an absolutely amazing change in her and for those who know her know that she's not the kind of person to really be lovey dovey but I can't help but fall for her with every second I look into those eyes of hers.

Here's to the now. I need to live now and thats what I'm trying to do....


But seriously fuck other people hahahah....

Jesse Tobler you will laugh when you hear who it is. And I miss ya man it was great seeing ya while you were in town.

Act 3, Scene 1

Long time since my last post and a lot has happened.

But a lot of what I wanted to happen hasn't happened.

I am now 23 as of March 12th, and I don't feel any different I'm just on the verge of hating everything.

I'm over everything, I feel like everything I use to care about is just a waste.

Even though it could be the culprit of my problems the only thing that means anything anymore is smoking by myself and consentrating on my art whether it be painting, drawing, writing music whatever it may be.

I'm still financially fucked, but I'm gonna be getting a lot of my hours back soon so that'll be nice and then I'll be able to get caught up a little bit on bills hopefully. We'll see what happens from there.

I think over all this life is just a bunch of bullshit and i could care less about the majority of the shit thats going on anymore.

But nevermind the negativity tell me how your doing kapeesh?

Act 2, Scene 2

I don't feel,
I don't care,
I have no motivation,
I feel worthless,
I wanna run,
I'm a coward,
I'm a fake,
I still don't care,
I'm a waste

Fuck everything, it's all just pointless anymore I'm not giving up I'll never give up but this is what i feel like, I'm a lost little boy who has no fucking idea what he's doing anymore.

It's been 4 years since my last suicidal thought and suddenly they start coming back, I don't even wanna die. But I'm slowly learning that things come and go nothings ever permanent, People, material items, feelings, thoughts, cares, motives, morals.

I've become everything I never wanted to be. I worked so hard to love myself and then flushed it down the drain. I fucking hate who I am, who I've become and what I stand for.

I don't know why people care about me, I'm a complete asshole.

If I could I would hop on the first plane out of here and move away as far as I could.

But somethings always holding me back...

Please don't respond to this just leave it be.......

Act 2, Scene 1

Re-analyzing everything. A new Month, a new beginning, still stuck in the same rut but slowly working on pulling myself out.

I've come to the realization that I'm doing nothing with my life. I turn 23 next month and I don't feel I've accomplished anything. I keep hearing about different people doing so much with their lives and maybe I just don't care but I feel stuck and empty.

I'm on my way to failing in school and fucking that all up but I refuse to give up. I'm going to make it happen.

I've started drinking again but made sure to go out on nights when I don't work the next day. I'm working on my financial status.

I'm also working on getting new gear for my new band which I'll be playing bass in we've got a month to write a full set. This should be good *Laughs*

I've also about lost my mind with women it's killing me I can't take the bullshit and fucking around anymore. I need stability. I hate to rely on a girl to make me happy, but I keep thinking about it and when I have someone I'm less likely to go out to the bars, I'm less likely to do stupid shit. I don't waste my money and I feel more motivated and I feel like a better person. Call me what you will I'll admit it, I'm a bitch and I desire to be with someone....

HOWEVER...I do not desire to be with someone who is needy, unintelligent, has no morals, has no determination, no motivation, and above all else no compassion.

Fuck my life. *Laughs*

It's all I find. Anyways bed time work in the morning I'll try to update a little better soon.

Act 1, Scene 12

It's been a few days since I've been on here and realized that I should probably give an update.

This past 2 weeks have been...Well? Interesting. I found myself skipping class all not last week but the week before and then didn't go tuesday of this last week. It's not that I don't want to go to class I just don't have the motivation. It kills me that I'm almost 23 and I still lack the motivation that we as human beings should be able to develop in our lives.

My alarm goes off and I just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing...Nothing at all except for snuggle up or do the dirty....But that rarely happens. *Laughs*

*Some of this may be repeats from the last entry just felt I should explain a little bit*

Thankfully I had this whole last week off. We closed the shop for remodeling and so I was there till 3 in the morning on saturday night but had all week off.

Monday I got tattooed it looks awesome but seriously? SHIT FUCKING HURT! I hate layering colors with 5 or 6 different times over the same area of skin I was done after about 2 and half hours. I wasn't happy about it but I just couldn't hang.

the rest of the week I spent a lot of time with Joe and Crozz which was nice it's been cool to kick it with those guys a lot more. It's funny because I use to look up to them when we were all apart of the scene and now we're all on the same level and come to find out I'm the oldest one in our band but I look 10 years younger than all of them. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO GROW A BEARD. I hate looking like I'm 12.

So the other night I get a text from a buddy telling me that my mom sent him a message on myspace so he forwarded it to me.

"APPLE OR JUSTIN IS MY SON@DOESNT CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE. DOESNT NO2DAY IS MY 40TH BDAY@WONT COME2MY WEDDING CUZ HE DRINKS LIKE I DID4PAIN MENTAL@PHYSICAL. HES BEEN TOLD LIES ALL HIS LIFE. I CALLED EVERY DAY MY DAD TOLD ME2NEVER CALL AGAIN BUT I DID. I DIDNT TRY2KILL MYSELF WHEN HIT BY CAR I BLACKED OUT FROM PAXIL 4DEPRESSION CUZ I DIDNT NO MY RIGHTS THEY WERE KIDNAPPED@I DIDNT NO THAT THEN OR HOW ILLEGAL TAKIN MY RIGHT2C MY KIDS. U BETTER LET HIM NO MY WEDDING IS N HIS GRANDPARENTS HOUSE@I NEED HIS APPROVAL OF FIANCE OR I CANT MARRY HIM@I WONT B W THEM. A BEER@GIVE RESULTS2HIS SISTER. HE HAS TILL JUNE2DECIDE2MEET HIM UNLESS MY MOM GETS WORSE. I WANT MY PARENTS2C ME GET MARRIED. I LUV MY SON@MISS THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD BUT IM SURE U NO THIS. WE WOULD LOVE4HIM2PLAY N OUR 3 DIFFERENT BANDS WERE IN@WILL B PLAYIN EVERYWHERE.
APPLES MOM"

Then I get a text from her, somehow she got my number? What the fuck!

"I NO JADE CAN B A PAIN IN THE ASS@A BITCH BUT SHE IS UR SISTER. U WERE THE 1ST2C HER DARK HAIR WHEN SHE WAS BEING BORN. U WERE THE ONLY 1 THAT I WANTED W ME. U R GONNA MAKE A GREAT FATHER SOMEDAY. U HELD MY HAND 4 10 MONTHS. I NO U HATE ME BUT PLEASE TALK2HER IN2 COMING2STAY W ME. SHE SLEPT N A TENT LAST@WONT FUCK4EXTRA CASH THATS WHY SHE QUIT THE 1444 CLUB. SHES NOT USING DOPE OR SHD DO ANY1. U DONT NO THIS BUT WHEN JADE WAS A BABY I GOT MIXD UP W THE CRIPS BUT THEY WERE PIMPS@GOT ALONG W THE BLOODS. I TOLD THEM ID RATHER B ON WELFARE@EVEN IF I DID NO PIMP WOULD MAKE A DIME. I HELPD WHORES GET OUT. I GAND ALL THERE REPECT. THERE OUT OF THE PIMP GAME BUT CAN HELP JADE CUZ MOST DANCERS HAV A PIMP. THERE NAMES R HENRY@HAROLD JONES. THEY'LL DO ANYTHING4ME, IM FAMILY. I NEED 1ORBOTH PHONE#S4 PROTECTION UNLESS U CAN GET HER2COME DOWN HERE@IF U EVER GET DESPERATE UR ALWAYS WELCOME 4EVER."

I just can't justify her sanity. I mean seriously? what the fuck?

Anyways tonight Crozz, Bryce and myself drove up to Portland to see The Album Leaf. They're an amazing band from San Diego, their set just blew me away it was phenomenal the opening bands were good as well Amonie Bell and Black Mamba really great sets. The only thing that bothered me is when TAL went on everybody moved up and I've got fucking tiny dancer in front of me and he keeps steppin on my shoes and getting his fro all up in my grill. Then I've got the bitch with the clap, clapping really loud next to my left ear and considering my right one is muted from this cold congestion shit...It was twice as loud. Then I got fucking thug mcnasty comin in to fucking take up our space...He stood between us and tiny dancer...not much space...The nerve of some people.






But Now It's off to slumber I made it home in one piece through the death fog from Portland home.

Long day...

Act 1, Scene 11

So these past couple of days have been weird. Lots of change happening all around.

Hanging out with people I haven't really kicked it with in awhile for one reason or another. Tearing the shop apart for the remodel. Dealing with angry people. Now I'm livin it up for a bit considering I have a few days off!

Tomorrow I'm getting massaged, then paying bills and cleaning house, after that I'm getting more work done on my arm pretty stoked on that.

Hopefully tuesday we can have practice after school.

Wednesday TBD.

Thursday School

Friday bring everything back into the shop.

Pretty eventful week pretty stoked on it.

Not much else to say. I'm out

Act 1, Scene 10

So It seems as though things get rough just to get picked back up.

So just when I think everything is going downhill I receive my W-2's and my grandmother god rest her soul is still willing to do my taxes for me. The ol' bat is still out living life to the fullest crazy lady I tell ya. But good for her I'm glad to see she's truckin along like it's nothing, cause lord knows I'm scared as fuck for her. Then I got an email telling me that my financial aid money went into my account so what did i do? Retail therapy got rid of my god damn sidekick and got my G1 such an amazing little gadget I tell ya. So that solves my insurance being shut off, my car payment being behind and I still have money in the bank and a ton in financial aid left over. Then I'll get my taxes and I should be good. Now I have money to go to the doctor, get glasses, and still have some saved up for a deposit on a new apartment whenever that happens or if I happen to get stuck, now I just need to see the debt consolidator or find one for that matter so I can get rid of this credit card debt.

I also ventured out this evening and went to the bar. I had a coke, and although I'm not drinking soda either I think it was o.k. to splurg because today was a good day. Everyone was a pretty good sport about me not drinking. The bartenders who are use to me ordering heiniken after heiniken and shot after shot of Jamesons were stunned when I had a coke and no whiskey to back it, but still no grief about it.

Also Missy came over and cuddled with me which is nice. We're very similar we just want to snuggle not be in a relationship with each other but snuggle and watch movies and fall asleep. It's rather cozy you might say. But it's still not enough to satisfy my desire to find a "Girlfriend" *Laughs*

Things are slowly working in my favor and we close the shop for a week for remodel it's about fucking time that shop looks like shit and now it'll look as Ben put it, "It's gonna be pretty tits". Gotta love it.

Well Off to sleep work in the morn!

Act 1, Scene 9 "The Little Things"

So I'm sitting at a stop light waiting to figure out which direction I should go. This annoying hagred ol bitch won't stop smackin her gum and clicking her jaw, while talking to me about what nostril screw she wants. It's 3pm I've been at work since 10:20am and haven't had a break besides to nibble at my donut. This girl keeps standing over by the register extra sketchy looking nobody wants to sit down and everybody is driving me fucking nuts and that ol' crazy coot is still smackin that god forsaken gum and the clicking of her jaw is like a piercing snare drum. The light is about to turn green and I have a choice unleash my rage on the ol' coot or bite my tongue and taste the iron in my mouth. Light is green and blood never tasted so bad.

You know those days where you just wanna rip everyones fucking head off. I don't mean like metaphorically? I mean like literally unleash your rage and just full force lean forward lay your paws on their dome bury your claws and pull.

Scene 8 Just goes to show that people do not think about the affect that their actions play on another individual.

No I don't have 3 hours to sit here and talk about what color the fucking nostril screw is. LOOK AT IT, IT'S LIGHT GREEN WHY DO I HAVE TO REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME. I have a full lobby and better things to do then to answer the same god damn questions to you 50 times in 5 minutes. Is it that hard to fathom that the god damn thing might be light green?

I understand you are uneducated and your to fucking lazy to research what your doing to your body. Or use the correct terminology but when I correct you don't look at me like I'm the asshole that doesn't know what I'm talking about....Go Fuck Yourself I get paid to do what I do because I know what I'm doing, while your flipping burgers I'm hustlin....ERRRRDAY I'M HUSTLIN.

Step back take a deep breath and AKRIGHT!!!!

I won't say today was horrible it was just one thing after another and I got frustrated as fuck. Now I did get a little present that made my day though.

One thing most people may not know is that I'm a closet stoner. Not even really a stoner really but I figured it wasn't as retarded as saying "I'm a pot smoker in the closet". Fuck that! *Laughs*

Anyway as I was saying closet stoner yes me. I don't smoke often but I dabble with a bowl of oregons finest from time to time. I however prefer it in an edible form and let me tell you in the past two weeks I have been given more goodies than santa on christmas eve. Last week "The Jew" brought me peanut butter cookies, This week "Ozone" brought us peanut butter cups and pastries I traded a pastry for a brownie that "Mel" made. Then tonight a regular of mine decides to show her appreciation for me with a whole fucking brick of weed butter that is green than the amazon forest. So Time to make treats.

Thats my little blurp on that I'll leave it alone from there. I will say though that writing clearly is so much easier and intense after a few puffs.

Well after my angry sprout and my drug talk *Laughs* I think it's time for bed the melatonin is kickin in.

Might I add that I hate it when ex-girlfriends are right. She gives me melatonin for christmas and I take 1 pill and it does nothing so I take 2 a night and it knocks me off my ass and I sleep like a baby. So she was right melatonin works. Fuck my life.

Act 1, Scene 8

The roles of thinking and how we feel and what we do in response. A high majority of people don't think they just do. When sometimes a good characteristic to have sometimes it can have an affect on even the smallest role in your life. We continue to speak before we think without knowing what affect it might have on the opposite person.

I am horrible when it comes to these actions but I continue to try and battle them. However I get lazy and stop caring and do what I please which aftermath continues to show is a horrible thing.

After so much time thinking that I'm on top of things I realize, no I'm not I'm lost just like everybody else in this world and I continue searching for something that isn't there anymore. Eventually it will come to us and fill us with the joy and understanding. Then again we may never find it if we keep searching for understanding. Maybe we were never meant to fully understand anything and it could be that not understanding our life situations is what understanding life is all about.

A story to help understand

A relationship takes 2 people to carry on and be what is considered a "Happy" relationship. It requires communication, trust, respect, "understanding" and most of all honesty. All relationships have their ups and downs and pot holes in the road will come with all relationship territory.

So when one person decides it's not working anymore, trust is gone, communication is gone and actions speak louder than words. That person may decide to kick rocks hit the ol' highway and move along. Now the other person in the passenger seat, you know the one who didn't realize their actions, their words and the lack of a thought process? Yeah that one. That person now confused and lost because of the loss of what they thought was real, and that something may have meant the world to them. This person is left on the side of the road hoping for something better. They're hurt they're dead inside, stomach may cringe at the thought of this past life that was lived. Standing on the side of the road someone decides to pick them up. but this person is not satisified, he moves on to the next available ride. Still unsatisfied after a multitude of rides but only finding themselves farther away from home than they were at the beginning. Unhappy, unsatisfied scared, empty and unable to feel whats real and whats not.

What I'm getting at is that we all act, we all speak, but sometimes it's the actions that we make that leave the images they keep. Sometimes we don't do the things we do because we chose to. We do them because we don't know what else to do. "Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil." Sometimes at points of troubled times we are to weak to fight temptation and then fall head first into a world we never thought could be so real. We eat sleep, fuck, drink, and smoke and enjoy ourselves and lose ourselves in the loss of the ones we still love dearly they may never know it or understand it however we will be there to remind them of the life you once had. We never leave and cloud your life with anger and nostalgic times and question every choice you made.


I'm nowhere near a perfect person, nor have I led a perfect life. I do know that I would not be who I am if I hadn't made every fucking mistake I've made so far. Life is a constant struggle and I know I'm not alone, we fall in the hole to climb out and show the world what we're made of, the more times we fall the stronger we can get....................

IF WE CLIMB BACK OUT!

If we don't we remain helpless, wasted, bitter, angry, and ya know what lets face it, nobody cares to help you anymore.

I've seen it I've been there, who knows I could fall down again, who knows if I'll be strong enough to get back up. when the time comes I guess I'll find out won't I?

I will never regret a god damn thing, this is the one promise I've never broken to myself. LIVE LIFE WITH NO REGRETS, AND HOPE FOR A BETTER TOMORROW.

We say things we don't mean,
We do things that shouldn't be done
We are human,

It's the curious nature in all of us. But without all the mistakes the curiousity, and supposed "Regrets" we wouldn't be who we are.

We may never get second chances at the things we desire, but maybe it's for the best.

Act 1, Scene 7

• First alarm goes off 8am, I sit up, think to myself fuck this...verbally say "Fuck this" fall back asleep.
• Second alarm goes off 8:45 I lay there stare at my pillow turn off the alarm and fall back asleep.
• Third alarm goes off 9am I sit up crawl out of bed take a piss shower and then do my morning shit.
• Fourth alarm goes off 9:35am I'm driving to school smoking my first cigarette of the day
• Fifth alarm goes off 9:55am I'm sitting in class getting ready for class to start dreading the day ahead.
• Sixth alarm goes off in my pocket during my teachers lecture

History of modern art most uncomfortable fucking desks ever made for midgets who way 33 pounds with a 2 inch waste.

We sit in the dark and look at slides the whole class period and I just wanna pass out every class we have.

After that I have Basic Design the study of 2D Art...I have to admit I love this class it's like being a kid again we've been taking construction paper cutting it into strips of paper and creating line drawings and such it's really fun

I showed up with my curved line piece already done and I thought my teacher was gonna shit his pants he was so shocked by my piece he showed it to everyone and then kept telling me that i was doing great work then I had a kid in my class come up and ask for help on his and everyone kept like watching was I was doing. It made me feel really good about my projects. I love working with black and white more than anything.

Then after class I went to talk to Ed McManus my Music Technology teacher to see if I could get into his class this term but he wasn't there but Alberto "The Guy" when it comes to anything involving the music department told me that he was gonna let me in even though the class was full because I've been in his class for so long so I just have to call him tomorrow which should bring me up to 12 credits!

Then the end of my school day involved me sitting in line for 2 hours to check up on the appealment of my financial aid. Which they're going to reinstate it but I have to fill out a form that pertains to the amount of credits I'm taking I guess they may stop paying for my schooling soon down the road....Thank god for Missy comin to kick it with me for like an hour and keeping me company.

Then I went and met up with Joe and Amelia and missy met up with us there and we kicked it for a bit. Joe and I took off shortly after to visit Crosby at Guitar Center and we jammed around for a bit. Downside to that is I know what I want to do for gear for our band. I found the perfect bass it's a Shecter Stilletto Elite and it's black with a maple neck that is a through body neck...So GORGEOUS!!! It plays smooth has great tone and the action tension and intonation are amazing on it. Price tag however...$750. Then I decided instead of buying a $1000 Rig. I'm gonna buy a 200w combo for around $400 made by acoustic bass rigs they're amazing. So I just need to sell my gear that I already have so I can buy that stuff or at least the bass.

I also found out that my friend Amanda wants to move out so we've been lookin for places she found a place that is a 2 bed 2 bath with utilities included not to mention free internet, yoga classes and gym for $450 a month I think it's too good to be true but we'll see hahaha

I also really want to go to canada, I'm crazy I know but I met a girl that seems really cool and it's also an excuse to get out of the country hahaha...

Anywho work in the morning time for bed!

But before I slumber I just found the ultimate bass the same that I played earlier but a 5-string in white quilted maple...SO HOT

Act 1, Scene 6

So Last night I didn't make a post, went and enjoyed some dinner with friends and then kidnapped Joe Me and Crozz felt like he might have needed a friend and well I had some "Specialty" baked goods = ). I only engage is this illegal activity on occasion and last night was pretty mellow and it was good times with good friend/band mates

So not much is going on as of lately but I did find out my car insurance is about to be canceled if I don't fork over some money to them soon, like $800 in monies...As much as I hate to say it, I'm fucked on that one unless I get my financial aid reinstated. It's funny to me though that I've saving money quite well and yet it's still no-where to be found.

Bills I still have to pay
-Rent $325
-Car payment for this month $250
-Car payment for last month $250
-Insurance from last month and this month and apparently the month before that? $810
-Speeding ticket payment $50
-Parking ticket $30
-Of course my credit cards but thats not happening! $4000

I've stopped drinking that should be saving money, I've been eating out a lot less, I've been staying at home so I'm not using much gas my last tank lasted me over 2 weeks and I still had an eighth of a tank left. BUT WHERE IN THE FUCK IS ALL THIS MONEY THAT I'M SAVING AT? I mean seriously what the fuck.

I can't afford to lose my insurance, nor my car, nor my place to live. I guess it kills me that even when I clean up my act things don't get any easier. Not only is all this happening but it's happening on top of me losing a day at work. I haven't come across any part time jobs that I could work with my schedule. Oh it's get better too I'm having a hard time visually focusing on anything lately because I still haven't had money to go to an eye doctor. I have glasses that I wear but they give me a headache and make my eyes hurt after a certain amount of time and so I don't wear them as often as I should. Even though I have full health insurance I still don't have the $40 for an eye exam and new glasses it's fucking retarded.

Today because of everything I just kind of hung out I figured if I stuck around and did nothing maybe I'd feel a little better, but I got sick of that and went to visit my grandma who just started chemo, and just had surgery for the cancer last week. Then I met up with Robyn for lunch and came home and played scategories with Leif, Amanda, and Justine.

I'm beginning to wish I was just out and about at the bars. I just don't think it's a good idea yet though = /.

Oh and I've spent a lot of time stairing at lines of paper because of my art class and it's rediculous how much it's actually helping my art skills...Weird right?

Thats my bitching for the evening. Time to stair at curve lines to express motion in art!

Act 1, Scene 5

So I just spent the past 3 hours staring at lines. However I think I understand the concept. For my Basic Design class our homework was to cut out around 25 strips of paper in different lengths and thickness's in black and paste them on white paper using only vertical and horizontal lines and then take the same amount in white strips and paste them on black paper using vertical, horizontal and diagonal lines. I don't want to look at lines any more but it was kind of fun and entertaining.

Other than that today was difficult. It's really irritating for the one person your making an effort to change for so that you can keep your job and better your life and show that your dedicated and show you care, doesn't seem to care. I understand people have other things going on and maybe it's just this persons characteristics which I don't doubt in any way because I know well enough. It just really ruined my day. I've got 1 week and 2 days and I feel like I've made a drastic change in everything. I plan on keeping it this way because I feel a little bit better. Even though I feel better I hear some of the stupid comments and it makes me feel like it's not worth it. I just don't want my big mouth to get me into trouble because It's becoming hard to not make smart ass remarks and say some bullshit thats gonna get me chewed out.

No much else to say...I'll right more tomorrow. Night bloglins!

Act 1. Scene 4

As I sit here this chair cradles me as I become stale almost non-existent like a piece of bread that over time just shrivels and becomes no longer edible to the rest of the world. All it needs is moisture and it could be soft again, one last time before it's thrown away. What a waste.

I'm becoming stale and bitter, I'm at the point where I'm ready to beg someone to be there to hold me while I shake. My body temperature is slowly dropping. My appetite is weakening but I'm hungry for distruction. I want to break everything. I really feel like my days are shorter and that they really just have no meaning. I feel like I should do something, go out have fun enjoy my sobriety but I don't have the motivation or the care. I don't wanna leave my house. I just wanna sit here and hope for some girl to come over and just cradle me to sleep. Just that motherly nurture that always makes you feel like when your a kid. Like when your mom use to read you bed time stories. Of course for me my grandparents did that for me. I remember it vivedly.

I also remember all the sundays my grandma would try to hold back her laughter when i would fake being sick because I didn't want to go to church...I was a little shit. There was one time where she came in threw a bowl of water on me because I wouldn't wake up for school. That was fun.

Another good time was that day I nailed my sister in the back of the head with an aluminum baseball bat, we still laugh about that and blame that for the reason my sister is such a dork.

Let me explain! So I was outside practicing T-ball with one of my friends in my backyard and my family was having a barbeque so they were all outside watching us swing the bat. Our coach taught us to follow through and not to stop our swing once hit the ball. It's my turn to take a swing and my sister who is like 3 or 4 at the time is standing behind me I told her to move and so did my grandparents. She was a stubborn little shit and screamed "NO!" so we all told her fine when Justin hits you in the back of the head we don't wanna hear you complaining. I even pushed her away and she walked right back right as I took the swing. Coach taught me how to follow through like a pro because I clocked her good. Good times! Don't worry I love my sister even if she is a little mentally slow...I guess I have to I made her that way right Jade?

So beyond these fun memories. I'm realizing so much meaningless bullshit. It's kind of depressing how inconsiderate, disrespectful and unneducated people are. I'm live, breathe, sleep and fuck body modifications don't disrespect me by telling me that it's gross that I have huge wholes in my ears or that it's terrifying to see these things done...If you can't handle it fine but to me you might as well tell me that I'm horrific to look at and that my parents created a monsterous face by doing the ol' in n' out. I don't come up to you and talk about that huge fucking shnoz you have nor do I criticize the mole locted on the tip of it. So Fuck you! Also I hate self proclaimed no it alls your not fooling anyone. It's not gauging and they're not gauges it's called stretching and those are plugs. We're not putting a piercing in a hole we're piercing you and putting jewelry in you. By the way you sound so fucking cool when you talk about getting a P.A. but joking. If your gonna open your mouth about it chances are your gonna sound like a douche. It's also a real pain in the ass to give aftercare to someone and have them ignore you through the whole process or shake their head like they hear every word you say then when you ask them if they have any questions they just stare off into space like there was a naked dude with a P.A. fucking some bitch in the lobby. I understand you probably don't care and thats why I'm writing in this blog so I can express it and get it off my chest.

I find it funny however the observations I'm making lately. The lifestyles others lead and people I come across in my daily activities. I've noticed how cool it is that in some fashion or another most people are connected in some way. Whether it be because 2 people are walking down the street they notice each person has "Guages"*HAHA* they nod at each other and keep walking. Or maybe you like the shirt they're wearing you nod and out of respect they nod back. Maybe your driving the same style of car. Maybe your both riding a bike. Whatever it may be it's crazy the amount of nods a person can get in a given day.

With that being said I know all of this was all over the place but I do what I want bitch...Akright, and goodnight!!!!!

Act 1, Scene 3

I do have to say that I believe that this blog has gotten more attention from people I didn't think it would. It's nice to hear from those that read it and give me responses whether through here or myspace.

I'll start off by saying that 1 of the people that is surprising me the most by the responses is my sister. I've never really let family in on whats going on. For the longest time I didn't let anybody in on what was going on in my life, but I've still neglected to let my family know. I guess I feel like it's not their responsibility nor is it for anyone else. I guess I've been kind of scared at the same time for anybody to read and be able to comprehend it. I think by me telling someone it may come across as some sort of joke like I have something to prove. I PROMISE YOU! I have nothing to prove to any of you. Not to offend but I could care less, nor do I give a fuck. I don't need to lie to you and I certainly don't need to throw myself in front of a car to get attention.

So it's been exactly 1 week since I've had anything to drink. Also it has been 1 week with the exception of 1 night since I have been out pass midnight. I'm finding myself, bored, alone, craving, and pathetically angry. I wake up around 8 every morning and lay in bed till I need to get up. I then get up make myself a cup of tea and then go to work. I'm getting really irritable at work and really anxious. I'm starting to get extremely annoyed with things my co-workers do as well as clients. It's nothing personal, I just feel the affects of the lack of my vice. I'm bitter upset and starting to wear thin. My eyes are growing heavy and they start to burn. My muscles are getting tired and sore and I'm getting migraines like no other. I can't concentrate, the past 3 days I've been nauseous and I'm waking up feeling like I drank a half gallon of whiskey and smoked a carton of cigarettes. I shower and feel twice as dirty as I was when I went in, and I'm thinking entirely to much.

I'm thinking about every drink I've ever had, every night I went out. Every night I made a drunken call for a late night fuck, and every night sober that I called for a late night fuck. It makes me sick at what I've become. I don't feel worthless, but I'm sick of it.

All my life I've wanted a good relationship with someone. Someone I could come home from work and just snuggle up to and watch a movie and maybe share some conversation but that came and past she's moved on and I haven't...Over the past year I've "Hooked Up" with entirely to many females and I feel disgusting for it. Do they stop calling? No! I don't get what it is but I attract girls that I'm not emotionally attracted to. Physically? Sometimes. Sexually? Yeah, I have no standards. I've gotten to the point that it doesn't matter what they look like, what they do? It doesn't matter I'll take one for the team because they benefit and so do I. I just don't understand why I feel sick the next morning like I just performed felatio on the devil and god is inside my stomach fucking my inner organs.

I can't connect to most of the females I hook up with, and the few I can connect with aren't interested. I gave up a long time ago and now I'm starting to feel like shit about it.

It's funny though because I push myself away from relationships with friends too. Eventually I find myself getting to serious and worry about the outcome of our friendship and turn around to walk out the door I came in. It's a stupid cycle my head has created. Great words came from "The Italian Job", "I Trust Everyone...It's the devil inside of them I don't trust!"

Honestly their are days when I just wanna lay in bed turn my phone off throw my computer against a wall and just say fuck everyone I don't want to talk to you run into you on the street or anywhere else for that matter and just disappear for month. It's funny though because even though I feel that way I'm still alone aching for a friend or some random new girl that will just hold me.

Just for the record most of the time hooking up with any girl is a matter of that connection even if it is just for a short amount of time. Being able to feel what it's like to have someone and have them with you for a short amount of time is actually an amazing feeling but it's always a downfall when you start to think about that person and realize you want them the fuck out of your house so you can be alone in solitude all over again...

I'm a very social person. I have to be it's my business, my job, my lifestyle. But sometimes the affection of laying next to someone can make a shitty day the best day...

I've just realized this week as I continue to sit here and wonder about things that one of my biggest problems is that I'm lonely. I feel disconnected and I'm tired of that feeling. I have friends, I have family...But I'm alone.

Now for sleep another update tomorrow after work.

As My heart sinks.

Today was surprisingly a good day until I got bad news...

I woke up early but felt congested, I'm catching a cold I believe I don't know but either way it sucks my piercings are all freaking out I pushed a whole bunch of fluid out of one of my anchors and then took some emergen-C and I feel a little better. I went to work things were hoppin lots of business and decent tips not good not great but decent.

I'm closing out my till and one of my boss's shows up with our new schedule. Not only have I been scheduled for only 4 days a week which hasn't gotten me by, I'm far behind in all my bills and struggling to pay the rent. I have no-where else to go that I can afford and can't seem to find a roommate to live in a more affordable living situation. Now while I'm stressing about everything else because I fucked up at work almost costing me my job, now I'm losing a day of work...So I work 3 days a week. Two 8 hour shifts and a 12 hour shift which isn't gonna make my life any easier. My financial aid has been suspended and now I'm waiting for that to be reinstated hoping that it does get reinstated. My taxes as usual will continue like every other year to go towards bills. I'm freaking out and need to find a cheaper place to live, maybe a part time job, and someone to buy a bunch of my shit.

FUCK THIS!!!

Of course this would happen when I can't drink...I can't just mellow out sit back have a brew and analyze the situation instead I'll sit here and fight the tears and the scream...Don't forget the urge to break everything that surrounds me.

I don't understand how I do this to myself. I have 2 credit cards that I'm debt about 2 grand a piece...My car payment is going to be 2 months behind, my car insurance is about 2 months behind and I have a speeding ticket that needs to be paid as well as a parking ticket. This sucks entirely to much...Fuck my Life!!!!

Anybody wanna donate to my cause? I figure if I can get 10,000 people to donate a dollar I can get back on my feet and carry out everything else...HAHAHA I wish...Oh well...

Act 1, Scene 2

After reading, all the responses I received I felt inclined to explain what brought me to this point in my life. Before I do that however, I would like to thank and express my appreciation to everyone who has given me kind words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to "Understand" that people care about you, It's one thing to think that people care about you and another to fully understand that they do truly care about you. So thank you it means more than you'll ever know.

Back to my rise to fall down, I suffer from seasonal depression every year starting about a week or two before thanksgiving I find myself slipping into a tornado of emotions, while gradually slipping into a person I once was and left behind a long time ago. 8 years ago was the last time I spoke with my mother, and it was around the holidays that I made the ultimate decision to force a person with no self worth or respect for the others around her out of my life. I did this out of respect for myself, not to rebel or fight away the woman that helped create me.

This woman a coward at the age of 17, managed to get knocked up by a man who had no care in the world and certainly could not handle having a child in his life. He and his grandparents actually offered to pay for the abortion, I will give my mother the thanks that is deserved for the decision to keep me, however the struggle with drugs and alcohol must have clouded her judgement, she tried to overdose after my birth. She continued to snuggle up to her bottle every night and feed her drugs to not only herself but to me as well. By the age of 4 I had knives thrown in my direction because of the misconstrued image in her head that I looked like my father. I would come home from my grandparents to knives through pictures of him in the wall the knives being handle deep in the drywall. I'll never forget that thanksgiving when I asked for glass of water and instead she threw the thanksgiving ham directly at me, which I guess triggered my now known anger issue because I picked it up and threw it back at her knocked her out got my glass of water and went to bed then woke up at 4 the next morning and tried to run away. They found me at river road elementary where I was going to school at the time. By the age of six my sister Jade had been born and I had already raised her for the first two years of her life. At the age of six and Jade being 2 years old now our grandparents had taken us away and filed for custody of us taking us in and taking care of us. Throughout that time I began rebelling fighting all the time jealous of Jade because she always got the attention, I felt ignored and alone like I always had because of the life I had lived with my mother. I never lost that feeling of being alone it still takes it's toll almost every day of my life. With frequent visits with my mother I usually paid for everything because she was pretty much trailer trash, sad but true. I got child support from my dad and I would loan her money all the time up until I was around 12 years old.

When I was 14 is when everything went from bad to worse. After a fight with her roommates at the time my anger was triggered once again, I'm a protecter I care and will fight for what I "think" is true and just. I got in their faces screamed at the top of my lungs called the cops as well as my grandma and continued to scream laying into them with everything a 14 year old had in him. I was taken away by my grandpa and my uncle. I convinced my grandparents to let her come live with us. They didn't like the idea one bit but I feel as if they didn't want their grandson to see his mother on the streets, so to sheild me from that I believe they agreed. After a few months of living with us, she still had no job never left the house and fought with my grandparents constantly. I had become aware of everything.

My awareness grew till the point where she was no longer welcome in our home. The biggest eye opener was when she "PROMISED" to be there for christmas eve which is the big night for our family to get together and open presents, she also promised to be there christmas day. Much to my surprise christmas eve rolled around and she never showed. By 10 pm I got a little worried wondering if she was ok. I called her and surprisingly got ahold of her, she gave me a typical predictable excuse. She took some pills *Supposedly Prescribed* and fell asleep woke up and it was dark so she thought it was still the same night took another pill and passed out missing christmas eve. I hesistantly forgave her and made her promise to make it for christmas dinner, she agreed and told me she loved me. I woke up the next morning excited for presents from "Santa" and of course to see my mother. She never showed, again at 10pm I called and told her I was done. By done I mean exactly that I told her I didn't want to talk to her and that everytime I forgave her for something she would take advantage of the situation and use me for something. Now what kind of lesson would I be teaching myself if I continued to let that happen. I'm a pushover but not when it comes to bullshit like this. I blocked every number she called from for the next week but she some how managed to get ahold of my grandparents. They made arrangements for her to come by the house and give us our presents and see us.

Now let me make this clear, I am human I love material items, I love gadgets, toys, cars, phones, you name it. I will never deny that, however all I needed was a responsible mother who knew how to take responsibility. What I'm getting at is that she showed up with second hand crap from her belongings and year old candy from the dollar store. She spent all of her money drugs and alcohol, and to me I would have rather gone without gifts then to realize that everything that my mother had done, everything that everyone had told me was true. IT WAS TRUE! I sat there staring at the computer screen and she approached me and cried on my shoulder completely apologetic. I DON'T WANT YOUR APOLOGY! I never wanted the apology I wanted change, I told her I wasn't going to forgive her. I screamed never once biting my tongue cursing and screaming things that no baby sister should have to hear about her mother, but she sat there crying begging me to stop. My grandparents standing in the walkway observing what they knew was a long time coming. The build up, a shaken bottle ready to be opened at any moment. After forcing her out of the house, her ride and a long time family friend Cliff, looked me in the eye and told me that I did the right thing. A hardcore christian who is all about keeping peace looked me in the eye and told me I did the right thing. I thanked him shut the door and walked into the living room shouting, "She's gonna do something stupid, I just know it". She proved me right as I heard the sirens coming down royal ave. I walked out the front door to see her lying in the middle of the street, and tread marks for a good stretch of road. She had run in front of a car. The cowardly way out seduced by temptation she ran in front of this poor mans car in an attempt to kill herself. There he laid on the side of the road balling, shaking, repeating "I'm so sorry, I'm so Sorry she just ran in front of the car I'm so sorry" over and over again. I walked over and told him it wasn't his fault, that it was mine and he didn't do anything wrong and I apologized for the immaturity for my own mother. I believe it was my fault and sometimes still feel it is even though I know it wasn't and that none of this is my fault she chose her destiny.

She kept screaming "Justin are you ok? Jade, Justin where are you are you ok?". I ignored her and consoled the man. I had made my point and I intended to stick by my decision she needed to learn, and till this day she still hasn't learned. They admitted her to mental ward in salem and doctored her up, However they released her the next day.

For the next 6 years I continued to be haunted by the thought that my mother was going to come and kill me in my sleep. Surrounded by horrible nightmares that lasted around 2 hours everynight. Everynight I slept for that 2 hours and nothing more I woke up in a sweat and continued to watch a horrific death performed by either my mother or someone close to me everynight, whether it consisted of being hit by a car or cut up and having my organs hung by guitar strings over a childs crib as a mobile. I push people away constantly because of it. I don't like help I'm stubborn and it's because I'm afraid. I can't trust you because I'm afraid.

Now after 8 years at the ripe age of 22 almost 23 I found myself drowning every thought every depressing moment in a bottle of booze. Whats worse is that I spent my thanksgiving evening at the bar, I spent christmas eve at the bar till 5 in the morning drowning in Jamesons whiskey, and then again on christmas day I was at the bar. for 3 weeks straight I was drunk before I went to bed. It helped me sleep it suppressed my anger, my thoughts, and my worries. I woke up groggy and wanted nothing more than to drink more to feel nothing and to deal with my day. I slowly saw myself slipping thankfully caught myself before I did something more drastic.

With that I need sleep. I have work in the morning and I need to be well rested and early so that I continue to have a place I call a job. Thankfully I work with people that care enough to keep me around and give me a kick in the face letting me know that I'm fucking up royally. On that note goodnight. More rambles tomorrow night.

And for those who are unaware we found out that my grandma has ovarian cancer, she recently went in for a hysterectomy and they removed all but a few bits and she goes in for chemotherapy soon which they say should get rid of the rest. I hope so I'm not ready for that ol' bat to leave me yet. Without her and my grandpa I'd be fucked....Seriously! No matter how much we fought and how much I may have hated them for the things that they did. I'm truly greatful for them! Also I don't believe in religion or praying but to whatever god you pray to, throw in a little something for my grams, she's a good woman and deserves a few more years in the life!...

Act 1, Scene 1

The phone rings, but I continue to ignore it and bask in what is an annoying cloud of meaningless noise that repeatedly goes off disturbing the one thing that means anything to me. I lay there in a panic, flustered and angry because I know what they want. In a world based on greed it can only be one thing that they want. I understand it's my responsibility to give it to them but with a lack of the unmentionables it's a difficult task, so I lay there worried, scared, afraid. I fear a fucking phone call. I don't pick up. I never pick up. Why? Because I fear a fucking phone call.

I live my life one day at a time wondering what it will bring me. Why because I'm a fucking moron . I sit back and ask meaningless questions without any answers and hate and run away and wait for something of meaning, something of purpose to grace my life. What am I trying to prove? Well nothing really just lack the motivation to well, motivate myself in my daily endeavors and future goals. I stay comfortable till I can't accept myself anymore, then I run like the coward that I am.

Lets take two steps back and analyze who I am. I am Justin Murray born to Denise Murray and David Lang, two human beings that never should have concieved a child. I laugh at the thought of what they would have been like had they ever taken responsibility for their actions. Children to self absorbed and irresponsible to realize what life they left me. Now don't twist the meaning to my words, I do not blame either of them for the things they have done, without their actions I would not be here nor would I have learned as many life lessons as I have.

This isn't going to be some emotional wreck of a blurb to express how I feel towards my parents, I feel like it might however help to understand where I am at this point in time.

My Father, well the man that helped to create my very existence, cowardly and quiet has never spoken a word to me, not even a simple hello. We met maybe a total of 3 times that I can remember and since I have no idea of his whereabouts or if he's even alive. A man I have put in my past, worthless of the energy for a search. I do however thank him for his ability to run.

My Mother, again doesn't really deserve the title but she did however conceive and carry me for 9 months and attempted to raise me as a single mother and for that I will give her a thank you out of respect of difficult times and the life we shared. I will say though that how do other single mothers do it?

The reason why I ask this question is that I don't understand what brings some deranged parent to lack the responsibility in taking care of their own property. Your children are your blood, they are your name, they are your life. So what makes you think that it is ok to bury yourself in all the powders the chemically altered substances and fermented intoxicants that you consume. Not only are you turning your back on your child but your turning your back on yourself.

This is not meant to be a bash on all parents just an angry thought that crosses my mind. The reason it crosses my mind is lately I'm finding myself falling at the end of my 22nd year alive in this world. Like I said I question many things but now it's becoming more aware to me then before. I just spent the last month on a binge with alcohol, I could not sleep without it nor did I enjoy being sober at any point I felt like I needed to run. I did this out of hate and anger which is something I never wanted to embark in. I didn't realize the affects of my alcohol consumption till it started to affect my working habits and watching the ones around me having to pick up my slack because I was acting like a child.

It has been 5 days since my last drink and I've taken multiple steps in running away from what I should have run away from in the first place, and that is the possibility of an addiction. I don't wanna say I had an "Addiction" but nevertheless I do have a problem. First step consists of taking a break, I want to be able to drink socially and enjoy a few beers with my friends and co-workers as well as my grandfather. However I don't want to drink the bar dry. I have made a choice to be home before midnight every evening. I will also refrain from drinking for at least 1 month then give myself the option(Which I know as someone who has dealt with addiction is bad) but I wanna give myself the option to show my strength in being able to enjoy a substance without being controlled by it.

It's late I'm tired time for sleep. Step 2 starts tomorrow, School/work and my first social outing without alcohol. Wish me luck.