The phone rings, but I continue to ignore it and bask in what is an annoying cloud of meaningless noise that repeatedly goes off disturbing the one thing that means anything to me. I lay there in a panic, flustered and angry because I know what they want. In a world based on greed it can only be one thing that they want. I understand it's my responsibility to give it to them but with a lack of the unmentionables it's a difficult task, so I lay there worried, scared, afraid. I fear a fucking phone call. I don't pick up. I never pick up. Why? Because I fear a fucking phone call.
I live my life one day at a time wondering what it will bring me. Why because I'm a fucking moron . I sit back and ask meaningless questions without any answers and hate and run away and wait for something of meaning, something of purpose to grace my life. What am I trying to prove? Well nothing really just lack the motivation to well, motivate myself in my daily endeavors and future goals. I stay comfortable till I can't accept myself anymore, then I run like the coward that I am.
Lets take two steps back and analyze who I am. I am Justin Murray born to Denise Murray and David Lang, two human beings that never should have concieved a child. I laugh at the thought of what they would have been like had they ever taken responsibility for their actions. Children to self absorbed and irresponsible to realize what life they left me. Now don't twist the meaning to my words, I do not blame either of them for the things they have done, without their actions I would not be here nor would I have learned as many life lessons as I have.
This isn't going to be some emotional wreck of a blurb to express how I feel towards my parents, I feel like it might however help to understand where I am at this point in time.
My Father, well the man that helped to create my very existence, cowardly and quiet has never spoken a word to me, not even a simple hello. We met maybe a total of 3 times that I can remember and since I have no idea of his whereabouts or if he's even alive. A man I have put in my past, worthless of the energy for a search. I do however thank him for his ability to run.
My Mother, again doesn't really deserve the title but she did however conceive and carry me for 9 months and attempted to raise me as a single mother and for that I will give her a thank you out of respect of difficult times and the life we shared. I will say though that how do other single mothers do it?
The reason why I ask this question is that I don't understand what brings some deranged parent to lack the responsibility in taking care of their own property. Your children are your blood, they are your name, they are your life. So what makes you think that it is ok to bury yourself in all the powders the chemically altered substances and fermented intoxicants that you consume. Not only are you turning your back on your child but your turning your back on yourself.
This is not meant to be a bash on all parents just an angry thought that crosses my mind. The reason it crosses my mind is lately I'm finding myself falling at the end of my 22nd year alive in this world. Like I said I question many things but now it's becoming more aware to me then before. I just spent the last month on a binge with alcohol, I could not sleep without it nor did I enjoy being sober at any point I felt like I needed to run. I did this out of hate and anger which is something I never wanted to embark in. I didn't realize the affects of my alcohol consumption till it started to affect my working habits and watching the ones around me having to pick up my slack because I was acting like a child.
It has been 5 days since my last drink and I've taken multiple steps in running away from what I should have run away from in the first place, and that is the possibility of an addiction. I don't wanna say I had an "Addiction" but nevertheless I do have a problem. First step consists of taking a break, I want to be able to drink socially and enjoy a few beers with my friends and co-workers as well as my grandfather. However I don't want to drink the bar dry. I have made a choice to be home before midnight every evening. I will also refrain from drinking for at least 1 month then give myself the option(Which I know as someone who has dealt with addiction is bad) but I wanna give myself the option to show my strength in being able to enjoy a substance without being controlled by it.
It's late I'm tired time for sleep. Step 2 starts tomorrow, School/work and my first social outing without alcohol. Wish me luck.
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I think you are headed in the right direction. I bet you will be surprised at what this challenge will do for you. Some might think its no big deal, but this is a real stepping stone for you. Hang in there and don't give it up. Only 25 days left, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd keep this up! (Hope I wasn't too corny) ;)