Act 1, Scene 3

I do have to say that I believe that this blog has gotten more attention from people I didn't think it would. It's nice to hear from those that read it and give me responses whether through here or myspace.

I'll start off by saying that 1 of the people that is surprising me the most by the responses is my sister. I've never really let family in on whats going on. For the longest time I didn't let anybody in on what was going on in my life, but I've still neglected to let my family know. I guess I feel like it's not their responsibility nor is it for anyone else. I guess I've been kind of scared at the same time for anybody to read and be able to comprehend it. I think by me telling someone it may come across as some sort of joke like I have something to prove. I PROMISE YOU! I have nothing to prove to any of you. Not to offend but I could care less, nor do I give a fuck. I don't need to lie to you and I certainly don't need to throw myself in front of a car to get attention.

So it's been exactly 1 week since I've had anything to drink. Also it has been 1 week with the exception of 1 night since I have been out pass midnight. I'm finding myself, bored, alone, craving, and pathetically angry. I wake up around 8 every morning and lay in bed till I need to get up. I then get up make myself a cup of tea and then go to work. I'm getting really irritable at work and really anxious. I'm starting to get extremely annoyed with things my co-workers do as well as clients. It's nothing personal, I just feel the affects of the lack of my vice. I'm bitter upset and starting to wear thin. My eyes are growing heavy and they start to burn. My muscles are getting tired and sore and I'm getting migraines like no other. I can't concentrate, the past 3 days I've been nauseous and I'm waking up feeling like I drank a half gallon of whiskey and smoked a carton of cigarettes. I shower and feel twice as dirty as I was when I went in, and I'm thinking entirely to much.

I'm thinking about every drink I've ever had, every night I went out. Every night I made a drunken call for a late night fuck, and every night sober that I called for a late night fuck. It makes me sick at what I've become. I don't feel worthless, but I'm sick of it.

All my life I've wanted a good relationship with someone. Someone I could come home from work and just snuggle up to and watch a movie and maybe share some conversation but that came and past she's moved on and I haven't...Over the past year I've "Hooked Up" with entirely to many females and I feel disgusting for it. Do they stop calling? No! I don't get what it is but I attract girls that I'm not emotionally attracted to. Physically? Sometimes. Sexually? Yeah, I have no standards. I've gotten to the point that it doesn't matter what they look like, what they do? It doesn't matter I'll take one for the team because they benefit and so do I. I just don't understand why I feel sick the next morning like I just performed felatio on the devil and god is inside my stomach fucking my inner organs.

I can't connect to most of the females I hook up with, and the few I can connect with aren't interested. I gave up a long time ago and now I'm starting to feel like shit about it.

It's funny though because I push myself away from relationships with friends too. Eventually I find myself getting to serious and worry about the outcome of our friendship and turn around to walk out the door I came in. It's a stupid cycle my head has created. Great words came from "The Italian Job", "I Trust Everyone...It's the devil inside of them I don't trust!"

Honestly their are days when I just wanna lay in bed turn my phone off throw my computer against a wall and just say fuck everyone I don't want to talk to you run into you on the street or anywhere else for that matter and just disappear for month. It's funny though because even though I feel that way I'm still alone aching for a friend or some random new girl that will just hold me.

Just for the record most of the time hooking up with any girl is a matter of that connection even if it is just for a short amount of time. Being able to feel what it's like to have someone and have them with you for a short amount of time is actually an amazing feeling but it's always a downfall when you start to think about that person and realize you want them the fuck out of your house so you can be alone in solitude all over again...

I'm a very social person. I have to be it's my business, my job, my lifestyle. But sometimes the affection of laying next to someone can make a shitty day the best day...

I've just realized this week as I continue to sit here and wonder about things that one of my biggest problems is that I'm lonely. I feel disconnected and I'm tired of that feeling. I have friends, I have family...But I'm alone.

Now for sleep another update tomorrow after work.