Act 1, Scene 2

After reading, all the responses I received I felt inclined to explain what brought me to this point in my life. Before I do that however, I would like to thank and express my appreciation to everyone who has given me kind words of encouragement and support. It really means a lot to "Understand" that people care about you, It's one thing to think that people care about you and another to fully understand that they do truly care about you. So thank you it means more than you'll ever know.

Back to my rise to fall down, I suffer from seasonal depression every year starting about a week or two before thanksgiving I find myself slipping into a tornado of emotions, while gradually slipping into a person I once was and left behind a long time ago. 8 years ago was the last time I spoke with my mother, and it was around the holidays that I made the ultimate decision to force a person with no self worth or respect for the others around her out of my life. I did this out of respect for myself, not to rebel or fight away the woman that helped create me.

This woman a coward at the age of 17, managed to get knocked up by a man who had no care in the world and certainly could not handle having a child in his life. He and his grandparents actually offered to pay for the abortion, I will give my mother the thanks that is deserved for the decision to keep me, however the struggle with drugs and alcohol must have clouded her judgement, she tried to overdose after my birth. She continued to snuggle up to her bottle every night and feed her drugs to not only herself but to me as well. By the age of 4 I had knives thrown in my direction because of the misconstrued image in her head that I looked like my father. I would come home from my grandparents to knives through pictures of him in the wall the knives being handle deep in the drywall. I'll never forget that thanksgiving when I asked for glass of water and instead she threw the thanksgiving ham directly at me, which I guess triggered my now known anger issue because I picked it up and threw it back at her knocked her out got my glass of water and went to bed then woke up at 4 the next morning and tried to run away. They found me at river road elementary where I was going to school at the time. By the age of six my sister Jade had been born and I had already raised her for the first two years of her life. At the age of six and Jade being 2 years old now our grandparents had taken us away and filed for custody of us taking us in and taking care of us. Throughout that time I began rebelling fighting all the time jealous of Jade because she always got the attention, I felt ignored and alone like I always had because of the life I had lived with my mother. I never lost that feeling of being alone it still takes it's toll almost every day of my life. With frequent visits with my mother I usually paid for everything because she was pretty much trailer trash, sad but true. I got child support from my dad and I would loan her money all the time up until I was around 12 years old.

When I was 14 is when everything went from bad to worse. After a fight with her roommates at the time my anger was triggered once again, I'm a protecter I care and will fight for what I "think" is true and just. I got in their faces screamed at the top of my lungs called the cops as well as my grandma and continued to scream laying into them with everything a 14 year old had in him. I was taken away by my grandpa and my uncle. I convinced my grandparents to let her come live with us. They didn't like the idea one bit but I feel as if they didn't want their grandson to see his mother on the streets, so to sheild me from that I believe they agreed. After a few months of living with us, she still had no job never left the house and fought with my grandparents constantly. I had become aware of everything.

My awareness grew till the point where she was no longer welcome in our home. The biggest eye opener was when she "PROMISED" to be there for christmas eve which is the big night for our family to get together and open presents, she also promised to be there christmas day. Much to my surprise christmas eve rolled around and she never showed. By 10 pm I got a little worried wondering if she was ok. I called her and surprisingly got ahold of her, she gave me a typical predictable excuse. She took some pills *Supposedly Prescribed* and fell asleep woke up and it was dark so she thought it was still the same night took another pill and passed out missing christmas eve. I hesistantly forgave her and made her promise to make it for christmas dinner, she agreed and told me she loved me. I woke up the next morning excited for presents from "Santa" and of course to see my mother. She never showed, again at 10pm I called and told her I was done. By done I mean exactly that I told her I didn't want to talk to her and that everytime I forgave her for something she would take advantage of the situation and use me for something. Now what kind of lesson would I be teaching myself if I continued to let that happen. I'm a pushover but not when it comes to bullshit like this. I blocked every number she called from for the next week but she some how managed to get ahold of my grandparents. They made arrangements for her to come by the house and give us our presents and see us.

Now let me make this clear, I am human I love material items, I love gadgets, toys, cars, phones, you name it. I will never deny that, however all I needed was a responsible mother who knew how to take responsibility. What I'm getting at is that she showed up with second hand crap from her belongings and year old candy from the dollar store. She spent all of her money drugs and alcohol, and to me I would have rather gone without gifts then to realize that everything that my mother had done, everything that everyone had told me was true. IT WAS TRUE! I sat there staring at the computer screen and she approached me and cried on my shoulder completely apologetic. I DON'T WANT YOUR APOLOGY! I never wanted the apology I wanted change, I told her I wasn't going to forgive her. I screamed never once biting my tongue cursing and screaming things that no baby sister should have to hear about her mother, but she sat there crying begging me to stop. My grandparents standing in the walkway observing what they knew was a long time coming. The build up, a shaken bottle ready to be opened at any moment. After forcing her out of the house, her ride and a long time family friend Cliff, looked me in the eye and told me that I did the right thing. A hardcore christian who is all about keeping peace looked me in the eye and told me I did the right thing. I thanked him shut the door and walked into the living room shouting, "She's gonna do something stupid, I just know it". She proved me right as I heard the sirens coming down royal ave. I walked out the front door to see her lying in the middle of the street, and tread marks for a good stretch of road. She had run in front of a car. The cowardly way out seduced by temptation she ran in front of this poor mans car in an attempt to kill herself. There he laid on the side of the road balling, shaking, repeating "I'm so sorry, I'm so Sorry she just ran in front of the car I'm so sorry" over and over again. I walked over and told him it wasn't his fault, that it was mine and he didn't do anything wrong and I apologized for the immaturity for my own mother. I believe it was my fault and sometimes still feel it is even though I know it wasn't and that none of this is my fault she chose her destiny.

She kept screaming "Justin are you ok? Jade, Justin where are you are you ok?". I ignored her and consoled the man. I had made my point and I intended to stick by my decision she needed to learn, and till this day she still hasn't learned. They admitted her to mental ward in salem and doctored her up, However they released her the next day.

For the next 6 years I continued to be haunted by the thought that my mother was going to come and kill me in my sleep. Surrounded by horrible nightmares that lasted around 2 hours everynight. Everynight I slept for that 2 hours and nothing more I woke up in a sweat and continued to watch a horrific death performed by either my mother or someone close to me everynight, whether it consisted of being hit by a car or cut up and having my organs hung by guitar strings over a childs crib as a mobile. I push people away constantly because of it. I don't like help I'm stubborn and it's because I'm afraid. I can't trust you because I'm afraid.

Now after 8 years at the ripe age of 22 almost 23 I found myself drowning every thought every depressing moment in a bottle of booze. Whats worse is that I spent my thanksgiving evening at the bar, I spent christmas eve at the bar till 5 in the morning drowning in Jamesons whiskey, and then again on christmas day I was at the bar. for 3 weeks straight I was drunk before I went to bed. It helped me sleep it suppressed my anger, my thoughts, and my worries. I woke up groggy and wanted nothing more than to drink more to feel nothing and to deal with my day. I slowly saw myself slipping thankfully caught myself before I did something more drastic.

With that I need sleep. I have work in the morning and I need to be well rested and early so that I continue to have a place I call a job. Thankfully I work with people that care enough to keep me around and give me a kick in the face letting me know that I'm fucking up royally. On that note goodnight. More rambles tomorrow night.

And for those who are unaware we found out that my grandma has ovarian cancer, she recently went in for a hysterectomy and they removed all but a few bits and she goes in for chemotherapy soon which they say should get rid of the rest. I hope so I'm not ready for that ol' bat to leave me yet. Without her and my grandpa I'd be fucked....Seriously! No matter how much we fought and how much I may have hated them for the things that they did. I'm truly greatful for them! Also I don't believe in religion or praying but to whatever god you pray to, throw in a little something for my grams, she's a good woman and deserves a few more years in the life!...