Act 7, Scene 1

Today I had a lot of time to think...
Too Much time to think...

I realized today,
I get worked up over some of the dumbest shit.
I worry about the future way to much.
I criticize everything around.
I love to easily.
I care to much.
I don't live enough.

But Over the past month, I thought my life was falling apart. Although it may be with everything thats happened I just stopped caring. One thing after another and it all continues to crumble and what do I do? I just sit there with no care. No worry. No desire to care or worry either.

Last night the girl that I love with everything in me told me she wanted to take a break. Not because of me but because she doesn't feel she is able to give me the time I deserve and she needs to figure herself out because she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me to much to do that.

So why after everything else thats been going on, why is it so hard for me to let this one thing be released from my mind.

And then I realized that it's because she really is the only thing I care about. She told me she was afraid that I was living for her. As if I'm so in love with her that nothing else matters. I lied and I told her no I'm not. I looked her straight in the eye and lied then I came home and broke down and cried because I knew it was true. Not to say I'm gonna kill myself if she weren't in my life. But because I became so reliant on how happy she makes me. How free I feel when it's just the two of us. As soon as that girl lays in my arms nothing in the world matters.

Everybody always gives me a hard time because I'm obsessed with my phone and my computer and sit on myspace and facebook and chat with girls and go to the bars and hit on girls and for the past 2 years thats been true.

I can't even allow myself to be around my friends that are girls now. I won't go to the bars because I don't want to run into any past flings. I don't wanna get those looks or have that awkward conversation telling some girl to get away from me. I barely drink anymore which is great. I don't smoke pot anymore which is great. I haven't had sex in over 3 months and surprisingly I'm ecstatic about it.

I don't even check my phone or computer except to see if I got something from her, I don't reply to hardly anyone because I just don't care to and I gave all these things up because I love this girl more than anything in the world. It's so hard to sit back and not be able to be with her. I saw her for the first time last night in over a week and didn't even get to give her a kiss because she told me she wanted to take a break. She didn't even sit next to me. Tonight for our friends going away party I didn't even get a hug I got an arm around the shoulder and not so excited to see me look. I understand though. Thats the part that bugs me is that anyone else that reads this is gonna tell me I'm a fool and that I'm stupid,but I understand. I am a fool and I am stupid with love for this girl. She's a tough one but she's better than any drug, any good time and anybody else around me. She pushes me and inspires me to be a better person. Best of all she doesn't hold back. She will speak her mind without censorship. She's loud she's crude she drinks beer and smokes more than I do and has experiences worth conversing upon. Everything I want all in one gorgeous girl.

I'm not sure what to do or whats going to happen, but all I know is, I can be there for her support her as the best friend that I was and still am and hope that she won't forget about "Us" I just want my girlfriend back, and I guess I just have to believe she'll come back to me.

I can live without you but I have no desire to........I love you!