Long time since my last post and a lot has happened.
But a lot of what I wanted to happen hasn't happened.
I am now 23 as of March 12th, and I don't feel any different I'm just on the verge of hating everything.
I'm over everything, I feel like everything I use to care about is just a waste.
Even though it could be the culprit of my problems the only thing that means anything anymore is smoking by myself and consentrating on my art whether it be painting, drawing, writing music whatever it may be.
I'm still financially fucked, but I'm gonna be getting a lot of my hours back soon so that'll be nice and then I'll be able to get caught up a little bit on bills hopefully. We'll see what happens from there.
I think over all this life is just a bunch of bullshit and i could care less about the majority of the shit thats going on anymore.
But nevermind the negativity tell me how your doing kapeesh?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Act 2, Scene 2
I don't feel,
I don't care,
I have no motivation,
I feel worthless,
I wanna run,
I'm a coward,
I'm a fake,
I still don't care,
I'm a waste
Fuck everything, it's all just pointless anymore I'm not giving up I'll never give up but this is what i feel like, I'm a lost little boy who has no fucking idea what he's doing anymore.
It's been 4 years since my last suicidal thought and suddenly they start coming back, I don't even wanna die. But I'm slowly learning that things come and go nothings ever permanent, People, material items, feelings, thoughts, cares, motives, morals.
I've become everything I never wanted to be. I worked so hard to love myself and then flushed it down the drain. I fucking hate who I am, who I've become and what I stand for.
I don't know why people care about me, I'm a complete asshole.
If I could I would hop on the first plane out of here and move away as far as I could.
But somethings always holding me back...
Please don't respond to this just leave it be.......
I don't care,
I have no motivation,
I feel worthless,
I wanna run,
I'm a coward,
I'm a fake,
I still don't care,
I'm a waste
Fuck everything, it's all just pointless anymore I'm not giving up I'll never give up but this is what i feel like, I'm a lost little boy who has no fucking idea what he's doing anymore.
It's been 4 years since my last suicidal thought and suddenly they start coming back, I don't even wanna die. But I'm slowly learning that things come and go nothings ever permanent, People, material items, feelings, thoughts, cares, motives, morals.
I've become everything I never wanted to be. I worked so hard to love myself and then flushed it down the drain. I fucking hate who I am, who I've become and what I stand for.
I don't know why people care about me, I'm a complete asshole.
If I could I would hop on the first plane out of here and move away as far as I could.
But somethings always holding me back...
Please don't respond to this just leave it be.......
Monday, February 9, 2009
Act 2, Scene 1
Re-analyzing everything. A new Month, a new beginning, still stuck in the same rut but slowly working on pulling myself out.
I've come to the realization that I'm doing nothing with my life. I turn 23 next month and I don't feel I've accomplished anything. I keep hearing about different people doing so much with their lives and maybe I just don't care but I feel stuck and empty.
I'm on my way to failing in school and fucking that all up but I refuse to give up. I'm going to make it happen.
I've started drinking again but made sure to go out on nights when I don't work the next day. I'm working on my financial status.
I'm also working on getting new gear for my new band which I'll be playing bass in we've got a month to write a full set. This should be good *Laughs*
I've also about lost my mind with women it's killing me I can't take the bullshit and fucking around anymore. I need stability. I hate to rely on a girl to make me happy, but I keep thinking about it and when I have someone I'm less likely to go out to the bars, I'm less likely to do stupid shit. I don't waste my money and I feel more motivated and I feel like a better person. Call me what you will I'll admit it, I'm a bitch and I desire to be with someone....
HOWEVER...I do not desire to be with someone who is needy, unintelligent, has no morals, has no determination, no motivation, and above all else no compassion.
Fuck my life. *Laughs*
It's all I find. Anyways bed time work in the morning I'll try to update a little better soon.
I've come to the realization that I'm doing nothing with my life. I turn 23 next month and I don't feel I've accomplished anything. I keep hearing about different people doing so much with their lives and maybe I just don't care but I feel stuck and empty.
I'm on my way to failing in school and fucking that all up but I refuse to give up. I'm going to make it happen.
I've started drinking again but made sure to go out on nights when I don't work the next day. I'm working on my financial status.
I'm also working on getting new gear for my new band which I'll be playing bass in we've got a month to write a full set. This should be good *Laughs*
I've also about lost my mind with women it's killing me I can't take the bullshit and fucking around anymore. I need stability. I hate to rely on a girl to make me happy, but I keep thinking about it and when I have someone I'm less likely to go out to the bars, I'm less likely to do stupid shit. I don't waste my money and I feel more motivated and I feel like a better person. Call me what you will I'll admit it, I'm a bitch and I desire to be with someone....
HOWEVER...I do not desire to be with someone who is needy, unintelligent, has no morals, has no determination, no motivation, and above all else no compassion.
Fuck my life. *Laughs*
It's all I find. Anyways bed time work in the morning I'll try to update a little better soon.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Act 1, Scene 12
It's been a few days since I've been on here and realized that I should probably give an update.
This past 2 weeks have been...Well? Interesting. I found myself skipping class all not last week but the week before and then didn't go tuesday of this last week. It's not that I don't want to go to class I just don't have the motivation. It kills me that I'm almost 23 and I still lack the motivation that we as human beings should be able to develop in our lives.
My alarm goes off and I just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing...Nothing at all except for snuggle up or do the dirty....But that rarely happens. *Laughs*
*Some of this may be repeats from the last entry just felt I should explain a little bit*
Thankfully I had this whole last week off. We closed the shop for remodeling and so I was there till 3 in the morning on saturday night but had all week off.
Monday I got tattooed it looks awesome but seriously? SHIT FUCKING HURT! I hate layering colors with 5 or 6 different times over the same area of skin I was done after about 2 and half hours. I wasn't happy about it but I just couldn't hang.
the rest of the week I spent a lot of time with Joe and Crozz which was nice it's been cool to kick it with those guys a lot more. It's funny because I use to look up to them when we were all apart of the scene and now we're all on the same level and come to find out I'm the oldest one in our band but I look 10 years younger than all of them. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO GROW A BEARD. I hate looking like I'm 12.
So the other night I get a text from a buddy telling me that my mom sent him a message on myspace so he forwarded it to me.
"APPLE OR JUSTIN IS MY SON@DOESNT CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE. DOESNT NO2DAY IS MY 40TH BDAY@WONT COME2MY WEDDING CUZ HE DRINKS LIKE I DID4PAIN MENTAL@PHYSICAL. HES BEEN TOLD LIES ALL HIS LIFE. I CALLED EVERY DAY MY DAD TOLD ME2NEVER CALL AGAIN BUT I DID. I DIDNT TRY2KILL MYSELF WHEN HIT BY CAR I BLACKED OUT FROM PAXIL 4DEPRESSION CUZ I DIDNT NO MY RIGHTS THEY WERE KIDNAPPED@I DIDNT NO THAT THEN OR HOW ILLEGAL TAKIN MY RIGHT2C MY KIDS. U BETTER LET HIM NO MY WEDDING IS N HIS GRANDPARENTS HOUSE@I NEED HIS APPROVAL OF FIANCE OR I CANT MARRY HIM@I WONT B W THEM. A BEER@GIVE RESULTS2HIS SISTER. HE HAS TILL JUNE2DECIDE2MEET HIM UNLESS MY MOM GETS WORSE. I WANT MY PARENTS2C ME GET MARRIED. I LUV MY SON@MISS THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD BUT IM SURE U NO THIS. WE WOULD LOVE4HIM2PLAY N OUR 3 DIFFERENT BANDS WERE IN@WILL B PLAYIN EVERYWHERE.
APPLES MOM"
Then I get a text from her, somehow she got my number? What the fuck!
"I NO JADE CAN B A PAIN IN THE ASS@A BITCH BUT SHE IS UR SISTER. U WERE THE 1ST2C HER DARK HAIR WHEN SHE WAS BEING BORN. U WERE THE ONLY 1 THAT I WANTED W ME. U R GONNA MAKE A GREAT FATHER SOMEDAY. U HELD MY HAND 4 10 MONTHS. I NO U HATE ME BUT PLEASE TALK2HER IN2 COMING2STAY W ME. SHE SLEPT N A TENT LAST@WONT FUCK4EXTRA CASH THATS WHY SHE QUIT THE 1444 CLUB. SHES NOT USING DOPE OR SHD DO ANY1. U DONT NO THIS BUT WHEN JADE WAS A BABY I GOT MIXD UP W THE CRIPS BUT THEY WERE PIMPS@GOT ALONG W THE BLOODS. I TOLD THEM ID RATHER B ON WELFARE@EVEN IF I DID NO PIMP WOULD MAKE A DIME. I HELPD WHORES GET OUT. I GAND ALL THERE REPECT. THERE OUT OF THE PIMP GAME BUT CAN HELP JADE CUZ MOST DANCERS HAV A PIMP. THERE NAMES R HENRY@HAROLD JONES. THEY'LL DO ANYTHING4ME, IM FAMILY. I NEED 1ORBOTH PHONE#S4 PROTECTION UNLESS U CAN GET HER2COME DOWN HERE@IF U EVER GET DESPERATE UR ALWAYS WELCOME 4EVER."
I just can't justify her sanity. I mean seriously? what the fuck?
Anyways tonight Crozz, Bryce and myself drove up to Portland to see The Album Leaf. They're an amazing band from San Diego, their set just blew me away it was phenomenal the opening bands were good as well Amonie Bell and Black Mamba really great sets. The only thing that bothered me is when TAL went on everybody moved up and I've got fucking tiny dancer in front of me and he keeps steppin on my shoes and getting his fro all up in my grill. Then I've got the bitch with the clap, clapping really loud next to my left ear and considering my right one is muted from this cold congestion shit...It was twice as loud. Then I got fucking thug mcnasty comin in to fucking take up our space...He stood between us and tiny dancer...not much space...The nerve of some people.
But Now It's off to slumber I made it home in one piece through the death fog from Portland home.
Long day...
This past 2 weeks have been...Well? Interesting. I found myself skipping class all not last week but the week before and then didn't go tuesday of this last week. It's not that I don't want to go to class I just don't have the motivation. It kills me that I'm almost 23 and I still lack the motivation that we as human beings should be able to develop in our lives.
My alarm goes off and I just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing...Nothing at all except for snuggle up or do the dirty....But that rarely happens. *Laughs*
*Some of this may be repeats from the last entry just felt I should explain a little bit*
Thankfully I had this whole last week off. We closed the shop for remodeling and so I was there till 3 in the morning on saturday night but had all week off.
Monday I got tattooed it looks awesome but seriously? SHIT FUCKING HURT! I hate layering colors with 5 or 6 different times over the same area of skin I was done after about 2 and half hours. I wasn't happy about it but I just couldn't hang.
the rest of the week I spent a lot of time with Joe and Crozz which was nice it's been cool to kick it with those guys a lot more. It's funny because I use to look up to them when we were all apart of the scene and now we're all on the same level and come to find out I'm the oldest one in our band but I look 10 years younger than all of them. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO GROW A BEARD. I hate looking like I'm 12.
So the other night I get a text from a buddy telling me that my mom sent him a message on myspace so he forwarded it to me.
"APPLE OR JUSTIN IS MY SON@DOESNT CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE. DOESNT NO2DAY IS MY 40TH BDAY@WONT COME2MY WEDDING CUZ HE DRINKS LIKE I DID4PAIN MENTAL@PHYSICAL. HES BEEN TOLD LIES ALL HIS LIFE. I CALLED EVERY DAY MY DAD TOLD ME2NEVER CALL AGAIN BUT I DID. I DIDNT TRY2KILL MYSELF WHEN HIT BY CAR I BLACKED OUT FROM PAXIL 4DEPRESSION CUZ I DIDNT NO MY RIGHTS THEY WERE KIDNAPPED@I DIDNT NO THAT THEN OR HOW ILLEGAL TAKIN MY RIGHT2C MY KIDS. U BETTER LET HIM NO MY WEDDING IS N HIS GRANDPARENTS HOUSE@I NEED HIS APPROVAL OF FIANCE OR I CANT MARRY HIM@I WONT B W THEM. A BEER@GIVE RESULTS2HIS SISTER. HE HAS TILL JUNE2DECIDE2MEET HIM UNLESS MY MOM GETS WORSE. I WANT MY PARENTS2C ME GET MARRIED. I LUV MY SON@MISS THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD BUT IM SURE U NO THIS. WE WOULD LOVE4HIM2PLAY N OUR 3 DIFFERENT BANDS WERE IN@WILL B PLAYIN EVERYWHERE.
APPLES MOM"
Then I get a text from her, somehow she got my number? What the fuck!
"I NO JADE CAN B A PAIN IN THE ASS@A BITCH BUT SHE IS UR SISTER. U WERE THE 1ST2C HER DARK HAIR WHEN SHE WAS BEING BORN. U WERE THE ONLY 1 THAT I WANTED W ME. U R GONNA MAKE A GREAT FATHER SOMEDAY. U HELD MY HAND 4 10 MONTHS. I NO U HATE ME BUT PLEASE TALK2HER IN2 COMING2STAY W ME. SHE SLEPT N A TENT LAST@WONT FUCK4EXTRA CASH THATS WHY SHE QUIT THE 1444 CLUB. SHES NOT USING DOPE OR SHD DO ANY1. U DONT NO THIS BUT WHEN JADE WAS A BABY I GOT MIXD UP W THE CRIPS BUT THEY WERE PIMPS@GOT ALONG W THE BLOODS. I TOLD THEM ID RATHER B ON WELFARE@EVEN IF I DID NO PIMP WOULD MAKE A DIME. I HELPD WHORES GET OUT. I GAND ALL THERE REPECT. THERE OUT OF THE PIMP GAME BUT CAN HELP JADE CUZ MOST DANCERS HAV A PIMP. THERE NAMES R HENRY@HAROLD JONES. THEY'LL DO ANYTHING4ME, IM FAMILY. I NEED 1ORBOTH PHONE#S4 PROTECTION UNLESS U CAN GET HER2COME DOWN HERE@IF U EVER GET DESPERATE UR ALWAYS WELCOME 4EVER."
I just can't justify her sanity. I mean seriously? what the fuck?
Anyways tonight Crozz, Bryce and myself drove up to Portland to see The Album Leaf. They're an amazing band from San Diego, their set just blew me away it was phenomenal the opening bands were good as well Amonie Bell and Black Mamba really great sets. The only thing that bothered me is when TAL went on everybody moved up and I've got fucking tiny dancer in front of me and he keeps steppin on my shoes and getting his fro all up in my grill. Then I've got the bitch with the clap, clapping really loud next to my left ear and considering my right one is muted from this cold congestion shit...It was twice as loud. Then I got fucking thug mcnasty comin in to fucking take up our space...He stood between us and tiny dancer...not much space...The nerve of some people.
But Now It's off to slumber I made it home in one piece through the death fog from Portland home.
Long day...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Act 1, Scene 11
So these past couple of days have been weird. Lots of change happening all around.
Hanging out with people I haven't really kicked it with in awhile for one reason or another. Tearing the shop apart for the remodel. Dealing with angry people. Now I'm livin it up for a bit considering I have a few days off!
Tomorrow I'm getting massaged, then paying bills and cleaning house, after that I'm getting more work done on my arm pretty stoked on that.
Hopefully tuesday we can have practice after school.
Wednesday TBD.
Thursday School
Friday bring everything back into the shop.
Pretty eventful week pretty stoked on it.
Not much else to say. I'm out
Hanging out with people I haven't really kicked it with in awhile for one reason or another. Tearing the shop apart for the remodel. Dealing with angry people. Now I'm livin it up for a bit considering I have a few days off!
Tomorrow I'm getting massaged, then paying bills and cleaning house, after that I'm getting more work done on my arm pretty stoked on that.
Hopefully tuesday we can have practice after school.
Wednesday TBD.
Thursday School
Friday bring everything back into the shop.
Pretty eventful week pretty stoked on it.
Not much else to say. I'm out
Friday, January 23, 2009
Act 1, Scene 10
So It seems as though things get rough just to get picked back up.
So just when I think everything is going downhill I receive my W-2's and my grandmother god rest her soul is still willing to do my taxes for me. The ol' bat is still out living life to the fullest crazy lady I tell ya. But good for her I'm glad to see she's truckin along like it's nothing, cause lord knows I'm scared as fuck for her. Then I got an email telling me that my financial aid money went into my account so what did i do? Retail therapy got rid of my god damn sidekick and got my G1 such an amazing little gadget I tell ya. So that solves my insurance being shut off, my car payment being behind and I still have money in the bank and a ton in financial aid left over. Then I'll get my taxes and I should be good. Now I have money to go to the doctor, get glasses, and still have some saved up for a deposit on a new apartment whenever that happens or if I happen to get stuck, now I just need to see the debt consolidator or find one for that matter so I can get rid of this credit card debt.
I also ventured out this evening and went to the bar. I had a coke, and although I'm not drinking soda either I think it was o.k. to splurg because today was a good day. Everyone was a pretty good sport about me not drinking. The bartenders who are use to me ordering heiniken after heiniken and shot after shot of Jamesons were stunned when I had a coke and no whiskey to back it, but still no grief about it.
Also Missy came over and cuddled with me which is nice. We're very similar we just want to snuggle not be in a relationship with each other but snuggle and watch movies and fall asleep. It's rather cozy you might say. But it's still not enough to satisfy my desire to find a "Girlfriend" *Laughs*
Things are slowly working in my favor and we close the shop for a week for remodel it's about fucking time that shop looks like shit and now it'll look as Ben put it, "It's gonna be pretty tits". Gotta love it.
Well Off to sleep work in the morn!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Act 1, Scene 9 "The Little Things"
So I'm sitting at a stop light waiting to figure out which direction I should go. This annoying hagred ol bitch won't stop smackin her gum and clicking her jaw, while talking to me about what nostril screw she wants. It's 3pm I've been at work since 10:20am and haven't had a break besides to nibble at my donut. This girl keeps standing over by the register extra sketchy looking nobody wants to sit down and everybody is driving me fucking nuts and that ol' crazy coot is still smackin that god forsaken gum and the clicking of her jaw is like a piercing snare drum. The light is about to turn green and I have a choice unleash my rage on the ol' coot or bite my tongue and taste the iron in my mouth. Light is green and blood never tasted so bad.
You know those days where you just wanna rip everyones fucking head off. I don't mean like metaphorically? I mean like literally unleash your rage and just full force lean forward lay your paws on their dome bury your claws and pull.
Scene 8 Just goes to show that people do not think about the affect that their actions play on another individual.
No I don't have 3 hours to sit here and talk about what color the fucking nostril screw is. LOOK AT IT, IT'S LIGHT GREEN WHY DO I HAVE TO REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME. I have a full lobby and better things to do then to answer the same god damn questions to you 50 times in 5 minutes. Is it that hard to fathom that the god damn thing might be light green?
I understand you are uneducated and your to fucking lazy to research what your doing to your body. Or use the correct terminology but when I correct you don't look at me like I'm the asshole that doesn't know what I'm talking about....Go Fuck Yourself I get paid to do what I do because I know what I'm doing, while your flipping burgers I'm hustlin....ERRRRDAY I'M HUSTLIN.
Step back take a deep breath and AKRIGHT!!!!
I won't say today was horrible it was just one thing after another and I got frustrated as fuck. Now I did get a little present that made my day though.
One thing most people may not know is that I'm a closet stoner. Not even really a stoner really but I figured it wasn't as retarded as saying "I'm a pot smoker in the closet". Fuck that! *Laughs*
Anyway as I was saying closet stoner yes me. I don't smoke often but I dabble with a bowl of oregons finest from time to time. I however prefer it in an edible form and let me tell you in the past two weeks I have been given more goodies than santa on christmas eve. Last week "The Jew" brought me peanut butter cookies, This week "Ozone" brought us peanut butter cups and pastries I traded a pastry for a brownie that "Mel" made. Then tonight a regular of mine decides to show her appreciation for me with a whole fucking brick of weed butter that is green than the amazon forest. So Time to make treats.
Thats my little blurp on that I'll leave it alone from there. I will say though that writing clearly is so much easier and intense after a few puffs.
Well after my angry sprout and my drug talk *Laughs* I think it's time for bed the melatonin is kickin in.
Might I add that I hate it when ex-girlfriends are right. She gives me melatonin for christmas and I take 1 pill and it does nothing so I take 2 a night and it knocks me off my ass and I sleep like a baby. So she was right melatonin works. Fuck my life.
You know those days where you just wanna rip everyones fucking head off. I don't mean like metaphorically? I mean like literally unleash your rage and just full force lean forward lay your paws on their dome bury your claws and pull.
Scene 8 Just goes to show that people do not think about the affect that their actions play on another individual.
No I don't have 3 hours to sit here and talk about what color the fucking nostril screw is. LOOK AT IT, IT'S LIGHT GREEN WHY DO I HAVE TO REPEAT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME. I have a full lobby and better things to do then to answer the same god damn questions to you 50 times in 5 minutes. Is it that hard to fathom that the god damn thing might be light green?
I understand you are uneducated and your to fucking lazy to research what your doing to your body. Or use the correct terminology but when I correct you don't look at me like I'm the asshole that doesn't know what I'm talking about....Go Fuck Yourself I get paid to do what I do because I know what I'm doing, while your flipping burgers I'm hustlin....ERRRRDAY I'M HUSTLIN.
Step back take a deep breath and AKRIGHT!!!!
I won't say today was horrible it was just one thing after another and I got frustrated as fuck. Now I did get a little present that made my day though.
One thing most people may not know is that I'm a closet stoner. Not even really a stoner really but I figured it wasn't as retarded as saying "I'm a pot smoker in the closet". Fuck that! *Laughs*
Anyway as I was saying closet stoner yes me. I don't smoke often but I dabble with a bowl of oregons finest from time to time. I however prefer it in an edible form and let me tell you in the past two weeks I have been given more goodies than santa on christmas eve. Last week "The Jew" brought me peanut butter cookies, This week "Ozone" brought us peanut butter cups and pastries I traded a pastry for a brownie that "Mel" made. Then tonight a regular of mine decides to show her appreciation for me with a whole fucking brick of weed butter that is green than the amazon forest. So Time to make treats.
Thats my little blurp on that I'll leave it alone from there. I will say though that writing clearly is so much easier and intense after a few puffs.
Well after my angry sprout and my drug talk *Laughs* I think it's time for bed the melatonin is kickin in.
Might I add that I hate it when ex-girlfriends are right. She gives me melatonin for christmas and I take 1 pill and it does nothing so I take 2 a night and it knocks me off my ass and I sleep like a baby. So she was right melatonin works. Fuck my life.
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