Act 8, Scene 1

Life is a lot different.

Medicating myself everyday in more way than one.

Getting shit done....Sort of.....

Somewhat happier....

Still Lonely but fuck who cares...

Act 7, Scene 4

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'm a fucking idiot.

I'M A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!

Act 7, Scene 3

Why does it bother me so much.

I should be happy that your trying to make yourself happy.

But I can't seem to gather whether I'm even a thought on your mind.

I haven't talked to you in 4 days.

How do you go from being in love with someone to not talking to them at all.

Was this all just a lie or am I just thinking to much.

I feel like a fool.

But it's only because I've heard 2 sides to the story.

I wanna be hopeful but I don't think you want to be with me.

You gave me no reason to believe it anymore.

Why is it so hard to be honest to me of all people.

It's so hard to understand why people say that they can't live without me as their friend.

Tell me why?

I can't talk to anyone about you.

Which means I can't talk to anyone because all I wanna do is talk about you.

I have so many thoughts running through my head and I don't know whats real anymore.

This is all just becoming so irritating and I just find myself so pent up with anger and I don't want to be mad at you.

Were the last 3 months a lie.

Did I waste my time?

Did I waste yours?

Was anything true?

It sure feels like it wasn't.

Maybe I should give up?

Is that what you want?

I don't want to walk away but maybe it's what you want?

I don't know.

Not like you'd tell me anyways.

I'm sorry I'm bitter. I'm just thinking to much and I have nowhere else to vent about it.

Not like anyone reads anyways........

Act 7, Scene 2

Does anyone even care to read my blog? I feel like I'm talking to no-one.

Sad thing is I don't talk to anyone. There's one person that I feel I can talk to about anything and he's the only one that made an effort to see how I was doing.

Nobody else cares to ask.

Nobody cares?

Never really have.

We all get over it eventually right?

Maybe I'm just down and bitter and lost but I'm becoming cold and have no desire to trust or respect anyone anymore. Why should I? Give me something to believe in. Give me hope for something better...Give me one little grain of happiness.

Maybe I'm selfish.
Maybe I'm blind.
Maybe I'm not worth anyones time.
Maybe I am better on my own.
Or Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself because I want to feel weak for a second....

*Laughs Hysterically* Fuck it!

Act 7, Scene 1

Today I had a lot of time to think...
Too Much time to think...

I realized today,
I get worked up over some of the dumbest shit.
I worry about the future way to much.
I criticize everything around.
I love to easily.
I care to much.
I don't live enough.

But Over the past month, I thought my life was falling apart. Although it may be with everything thats happened I just stopped caring. One thing after another and it all continues to crumble and what do I do? I just sit there with no care. No worry. No desire to care or worry either.

Last night the girl that I love with everything in me told me she wanted to take a break. Not because of me but because she doesn't feel she is able to give me the time I deserve and she needs to figure herself out because she doesn't want to lose me and that she loves me to much to do that.

So why after everything else thats been going on, why is it so hard for me to let this one thing be released from my mind.

And then I realized that it's because she really is the only thing I care about. She told me she was afraid that I was living for her. As if I'm so in love with her that nothing else matters. I lied and I told her no I'm not. I looked her straight in the eye and lied then I came home and broke down and cried because I knew it was true. Not to say I'm gonna kill myself if she weren't in my life. But because I became so reliant on how happy she makes me. How free I feel when it's just the two of us. As soon as that girl lays in my arms nothing in the world matters.

Everybody always gives me a hard time because I'm obsessed with my phone and my computer and sit on myspace and facebook and chat with girls and go to the bars and hit on girls and for the past 2 years thats been true.

I can't even allow myself to be around my friends that are girls now. I won't go to the bars because I don't want to run into any past flings. I don't wanna get those looks or have that awkward conversation telling some girl to get away from me. I barely drink anymore which is great. I don't smoke pot anymore which is great. I haven't had sex in over 3 months and surprisingly I'm ecstatic about it.

I don't even check my phone or computer except to see if I got something from her, I don't reply to hardly anyone because I just don't care to and I gave all these things up because I love this girl more than anything in the world. It's so hard to sit back and not be able to be with her. I saw her for the first time last night in over a week and didn't even get to give her a kiss because she told me she wanted to take a break. She didn't even sit next to me. Tonight for our friends going away party I didn't even get a hug I got an arm around the shoulder and not so excited to see me look. I understand though. Thats the part that bugs me is that anyone else that reads this is gonna tell me I'm a fool and that I'm stupid,but I understand. I am a fool and I am stupid with love for this girl. She's a tough one but she's better than any drug, any good time and anybody else around me. She pushes me and inspires me to be a better person. Best of all she doesn't hold back. She will speak her mind without censorship. She's loud she's crude she drinks beer and smokes more than I do and has experiences worth conversing upon. Everything I want all in one gorgeous girl.

I'm not sure what to do or whats going to happen, but all I know is, I can be there for her support her as the best friend that I was and still am and hope that she won't forget about "Us" I just want my girlfriend back, and I guess I just have to believe she'll come back to me.

I can live without you but I have no desire to........I love you!

Act 6, Scene 3

Falling apart piece by piece.

I should be use to it by now but this time is much worse.

I wait for the phone to ring but it never rings. Until I say I love you.

I wait to see your face. 3 days late it's an hour before I'm disappointed and you walk away again.

Then I wait for the phone to ring but it barely rings.

It's a constant struggle, all I can taste is blood my tongue so swollen I can barely speak.

I can't give up, but I can't give in.

Like a stupid sad love song "I just want you to want me"

Maybe I'm selfish, Maybe I'm dumb...

I'm growing weak, growing tired, growing restless.

What can I do? What do I do? What did I do?

Maybe I'm losing my mind....

I miss your warmth, I miss your touch, I miss your eyes looking into mine.

I miss that feeling of knowing your with me all the way, right by my side.

I don't enjoy this cold, I don't enjoy this distance.

It seems like at one point you were happy with me, you enjoyed being around me.

So I ask what changed, what did I do? do I need to change? tell me what to do and I'll sacrifice my pride to have you back.

Am I crazy?

You tell me that we're fine, maybe I just can't see?

Times are hard, and I understand, but I'm trying to be your crutch and you won't let me.

You tell me you will, that I'll be the first to know.

I know I shouldn't doubt you, but your fear is overbearing.

It's tearing us apart.

I lay here and wonder, I lay here and cry.

Worried and lost because of an uncontrollable feeling that consumes my very existance.

It's so hard to speak, and to look at you without wanting to runaway for fear of disappointment.

I'm not afraid of you, i'm afraid of losing you.

You tell me your not going anywhere, but sadly your already gone, you left about a month ago.

I bit my tongue as to not push you away with complaints and pointless conversation.

But it's not pointless, your everything to me.

You always were, don't you understand thats why I ran.

I didn't want to be the fool, I just wanted to be yours.

Two years later you were mine, I know it's not your intention but your running from me.

I can't be there for you, you won't let me.

I can't be with you, you won't let me.

I can't see you, you won't let me.

Worst of all our love won't work unless you let it.

I know I'm no shining star.

I know I'm nothing special.

I know I'm not full of fortune or amazing knowledge.

But I do know that I love you, and I know you love me.

So how do I get into your chaos.

I sit at home hoping I'll get a call, but the phone never rings.

I don't want to be with friends, what if I miss your appearance.

I don't want to see anyone but you.

I may lose friends, I may never leave the house.

But without you nothing matters at this point.

These words will prove to fail I'm sure.

I just want my girl back.

Act 6, Scene 2

Smoke my last cigarette, I'm kind of sad I need to buy another pack....

Went shopping for the lady for her birthday found some cool shit that I think she'll most definitely enjoy. And to think I almost just resorted to a couple cartons of smokes and a case of corona hahaha although I know she would have liked that I think she'll like her gifts more.

Hopefully I'll see her tomorrow who knows.

For now I'm gonna try and catch some z's which have been very scarce as of late.