It's been a long while since an Update.
it's gonna be short and sweet.
I hate people I'm a hermit but this lovely lady who once crushed me and made it so easy to hate her has stolen my heart and thankfully she let me have hers.
A lot of people will be upset at this decision, but I've seen an absolutely amazing change in her and for those who know her know that she's not the kind of person to really be lovey dovey but I can't help but fall for her with every second I look into those eyes of hers.
Here's to the now. I need to live now and thats what I'm trying to do....
But seriously fuck other people hahahah....
Jesse Tobler you will laugh when you hear who it is. And I miss ya man it was great seeing ya while you were in town.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Act 3, Scene 1
Long time since my last post and a lot has happened.
But a lot of what I wanted to happen hasn't happened.
I am now 23 as of March 12th, and I don't feel any different I'm just on the verge of hating everything.
I'm over everything, I feel like everything I use to care about is just a waste.
Even though it could be the culprit of my problems the only thing that means anything anymore is smoking by myself and consentrating on my art whether it be painting, drawing, writing music whatever it may be.
I'm still financially fucked, but I'm gonna be getting a lot of my hours back soon so that'll be nice and then I'll be able to get caught up a little bit on bills hopefully. We'll see what happens from there.
I think over all this life is just a bunch of bullshit and i could care less about the majority of the shit thats going on anymore.
But nevermind the negativity tell me how your doing kapeesh?
But a lot of what I wanted to happen hasn't happened.
I am now 23 as of March 12th, and I don't feel any different I'm just on the verge of hating everything.
I'm over everything, I feel like everything I use to care about is just a waste.
Even though it could be the culprit of my problems the only thing that means anything anymore is smoking by myself and consentrating on my art whether it be painting, drawing, writing music whatever it may be.
I'm still financially fucked, but I'm gonna be getting a lot of my hours back soon so that'll be nice and then I'll be able to get caught up a little bit on bills hopefully. We'll see what happens from there.
I think over all this life is just a bunch of bullshit and i could care less about the majority of the shit thats going on anymore.
But nevermind the negativity tell me how your doing kapeesh?
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Act 2, Scene 2
I don't feel,
I don't care,
I have no motivation,
I feel worthless,
I wanna run,
I'm a coward,
I'm a fake,
I still don't care,
I'm a waste
Fuck everything, it's all just pointless anymore I'm not giving up I'll never give up but this is what i feel like, I'm a lost little boy who has no fucking idea what he's doing anymore.
It's been 4 years since my last suicidal thought and suddenly they start coming back, I don't even wanna die. But I'm slowly learning that things come and go nothings ever permanent, People, material items, feelings, thoughts, cares, motives, morals.
I've become everything I never wanted to be. I worked so hard to love myself and then flushed it down the drain. I fucking hate who I am, who I've become and what I stand for.
I don't know why people care about me, I'm a complete asshole.
If I could I would hop on the first plane out of here and move away as far as I could.
But somethings always holding me back...
Please don't respond to this just leave it be.......
I don't care,
I have no motivation,
I feel worthless,
I wanna run,
I'm a coward,
I'm a fake,
I still don't care,
I'm a waste
Fuck everything, it's all just pointless anymore I'm not giving up I'll never give up but this is what i feel like, I'm a lost little boy who has no fucking idea what he's doing anymore.
It's been 4 years since my last suicidal thought and suddenly they start coming back, I don't even wanna die. But I'm slowly learning that things come and go nothings ever permanent, People, material items, feelings, thoughts, cares, motives, morals.
I've become everything I never wanted to be. I worked so hard to love myself and then flushed it down the drain. I fucking hate who I am, who I've become and what I stand for.
I don't know why people care about me, I'm a complete asshole.
If I could I would hop on the first plane out of here and move away as far as I could.
But somethings always holding me back...
Please don't respond to this just leave it be.......
Monday, February 9, 2009
Act 2, Scene 1
Re-analyzing everything. A new Month, a new beginning, still stuck in the same rut but slowly working on pulling myself out.
I've come to the realization that I'm doing nothing with my life. I turn 23 next month and I don't feel I've accomplished anything. I keep hearing about different people doing so much with their lives and maybe I just don't care but I feel stuck and empty.
I'm on my way to failing in school and fucking that all up but I refuse to give up. I'm going to make it happen.
I've started drinking again but made sure to go out on nights when I don't work the next day. I'm working on my financial status.
I'm also working on getting new gear for my new band which I'll be playing bass in we've got a month to write a full set. This should be good *Laughs*
I've also about lost my mind with women it's killing me I can't take the bullshit and fucking around anymore. I need stability. I hate to rely on a girl to make me happy, but I keep thinking about it and when I have someone I'm less likely to go out to the bars, I'm less likely to do stupid shit. I don't waste my money and I feel more motivated and I feel like a better person. Call me what you will I'll admit it, I'm a bitch and I desire to be with someone....
HOWEVER...I do not desire to be with someone who is needy, unintelligent, has no morals, has no determination, no motivation, and above all else no compassion.
Fuck my life. *Laughs*
It's all I find. Anyways bed time work in the morning I'll try to update a little better soon.
I've come to the realization that I'm doing nothing with my life. I turn 23 next month and I don't feel I've accomplished anything. I keep hearing about different people doing so much with their lives and maybe I just don't care but I feel stuck and empty.
I'm on my way to failing in school and fucking that all up but I refuse to give up. I'm going to make it happen.
I've started drinking again but made sure to go out on nights when I don't work the next day. I'm working on my financial status.
I'm also working on getting new gear for my new band which I'll be playing bass in we've got a month to write a full set. This should be good *Laughs*
I've also about lost my mind with women it's killing me I can't take the bullshit and fucking around anymore. I need stability. I hate to rely on a girl to make me happy, but I keep thinking about it and when I have someone I'm less likely to go out to the bars, I'm less likely to do stupid shit. I don't waste my money and I feel more motivated and I feel like a better person. Call me what you will I'll admit it, I'm a bitch and I desire to be with someone....
HOWEVER...I do not desire to be with someone who is needy, unintelligent, has no morals, has no determination, no motivation, and above all else no compassion.
Fuck my life. *Laughs*
It's all I find. Anyways bed time work in the morning I'll try to update a little better soon.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Act 1, Scene 12
It's been a few days since I've been on here and realized that I should probably give an update.
This past 2 weeks have been...Well? Interesting. I found myself skipping class all not last week but the week before and then didn't go tuesday of this last week. It's not that I don't want to go to class I just don't have the motivation. It kills me that I'm almost 23 and I still lack the motivation that we as human beings should be able to develop in our lives.
My alarm goes off and I just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing...Nothing at all except for snuggle up or do the dirty....But that rarely happens. *Laughs*
*Some of this may be repeats from the last entry just felt I should explain a little bit*
Thankfully I had this whole last week off. We closed the shop for remodeling and so I was there till 3 in the morning on saturday night but had all week off.
Monday I got tattooed it looks awesome but seriously? SHIT FUCKING HURT! I hate layering colors with 5 or 6 different times over the same area of skin I was done after about 2 and half hours. I wasn't happy about it but I just couldn't hang.
the rest of the week I spent a lot of time with Joe and Crozz which was nice it's been cool to kick it with those guys a lot more. It's funny because I use to look up to them when we were all apart of the scene and now we're all on the same level and come to find out I'm the oldest one in our band but I look 10 years younger than all of them. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO GROW A BEARD. I hate looking like I'm 12.
So the other night I get a text from a buddy telling me that my mom sent him a message on myspace so he forwarded it to me.
"APPLE OR JUSTIN IS MY SON@DOESNT CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE. DOESNT NO2DAY IS MY 40TH BDAY@WONT COME2MY WEDDING CUZ HE DRINKS LIKE I DID4PAIN MENTAL@PHYSICAL. HES BEEN TOLD LIES ALL HIS LIFE. I CALLED EVERY DAY MY DAD TOLD ME2NEVER CALL AGAIN BUT I DID. I DIDNT TRY2KILL MYSELF WHEN HIT BY CAR I BLACKED OUT FROM PAXIL 4DEPRESSION CUZ I DIDNT NO MY RIGHTS THEY WERE KIDNAPPED@I DIDNT NO THAT THEN OR HOW ILLEGAL TAKIN MY RIGHT2C MY KIDS. U BETTER LET HIM NO MY WEDDING IS N HIS GRANDPARENTS HOUSE@I NEED HIS APPROVAL OF FIANCE OR I CANT MARRY HIM@I WONT B W THEM. A BEER@GIVE RESULTS2HIS SISTER. HE HAS TILL JUNE2DECIDE2MEET HIM UNLESS MY MOM GETS WORSE. I WANT MY PARENTS2C ME GET MARRIED. I LUV MY SON@MISS THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD BUT IM SURE U NO THIS. WE WOULD LOVE4HIM2PLAY N OUR 3 DIFFERENT BANDS WERE IN@WILL B PLAYIN EVERYWHERE.
APPLES MOM"
Then I get a text from her, somehow she got my number? What the fuck!
"I NO JADE CAN B A PAIN IN THE ASS@A BITCH BUT SHE IS UR SISTER. U WERE THE 1ST2C HER DARK HAIR WHEN SHE WAS BEING BORN. U WERE THE ONLY 1 THAT I WANTED W ME. U R GONNA MAKE A GREAT FATHER SOMEDAY. U HELD MY HAND 4 10 MONTHS. I NO U HATE ME BUT PLEASE TALK2HER IN2 COMING2STAY W ME. SHE SLEPT N A TENT LAST@WONT FUCK4EXTRA CASH THATS WHY SHE QUIT THE 1444 CLUB. SHES NOT USING DOPE OR SHD DO ANY1. U DONT NO THIS BUT WHEN JADE WAS A BABY I GOT MIXD UP W THE CRIPS BUT THEY WERE PIMPS@GOT ALONG W THE BLOODS. I TOLD THEM ID RATHER B ON WELFARE@EVEN IF I DID NO PIMP WOULD MAKE A DIME. I HELPD WHORES GET OUT. I GAND ALL THERE REPECT. THERE OUT OF THE PIMP GAME BUT CAN HELP JADE CUZ MOST DANCERS HAV A PIMP. THERE NAMES R HENRY@HAROLD JONES. THEY'LL DO ANYTHING4ME, IM FAMILY. I NEED 1ORBOTH PHONE#S4 PROTECTION UNLESS U CAN GET HER2COME DOWN HERE@IF U EVER GET DESPERATE UR ALWAYS WELCOME 4EVER."
I just can't justify her sanity. I mean seriously? what the fuck?
Anyways tonight Crozz, Bryce and myself drove up to Portland to see The Album Leaf. They're an amazing band from San Diego, their set just blew me away it was phenomenal the opening bands were good as well Amonie Bell and Black Mamba really great sets. The only thing that bothered me is when TAL went on everybody moved up and I've got fucking tiny dancer in front of me and he keeps steppin on my shoes and getting his fro all up in my grill. Then I've got the bitch with the clap, clapping really loud next to my left ear and considering my right one is muted from this cold congestion shit...It was twice as loud. Then I got fucking thug mcnasty comin in to fucking take up our space...He stood between us and tiny dancer...not much space...The nerve of some people.
But Now It's off to slumber I made it home in one piece through the death fog from Portland home.
Long day...
This past 2 weeks have been...Well? Interesting. I found myself skipping class all not last week but the week before and then didn't go tuesday of this last week. It's not that I don't want to go to class I just don't have the motivation. It kills me that I'm almost 23 and I still lack the motivation that we as human beings should be able to develop in our lives.
My alarm goes off and I just wanna lay in bed all day and do nothing...Nothing at all except for snuggle up or do the dirty....But that rarely happens. *Laughs*
*Some of this may be repeats from the last entry just felt I should explain a little bit*
Thankfully I had this whole last week off. We closed the shop for remodeling and so I was there till 3 in the morning on saturday night but had all week off.
Monday I got tattooed it looks awesome but seriously? SHIT FUCKING HURT! I hate layering colors with 5 or 6 different times over the same area of skin I was done after about 2 and half hours. I wasn't happy about it but I just couldn't hang.
the rest of the week I spent a lot of time with Joe and Crozz which was nice it's been cool to kick it with those guys a lot more. It's funny because I use to look up to them when we were all apart of the scene and now we're all on the same level and come to find out I'm the oldest one in our band but I look 10 years younger than all of them. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO GROW A BEARD. I hate looking like I'm 12.
So the other night I get a text from a buddy telling me that my mom sent him a message on myspace so he forwarded it to me.
"APPLE OR JUSTIN IS MY SON@DOESNT CARE IF I LIVE OR DIE. DOESNT NO2DAY IS MY 40TH BDAY@WONT COME2MY WEDDING CUZ HE DRINKS LIKE I DID4PAIN MENTAL@PHYSICAL. HES BEEN TOLD LIES ALL HIS LIFE. I CALLED EVERY DAY MY DAD TOLD ME2NEVER CALL AGAIN BUT I DID. I DIDNT TRY2KILL MYSELF WHEN HIT BY CAR I BLACKED OUT FROM PAXIL 4DEPRESSION CUZ I DIDNT NO MY RIGHTS THEY WERE KIDNAPPED@I DIDNT NO THAT THEN OR HOW ILLEGAL TAKIN MY RIGHT2C MY KIDS. U BETTER LET HIM NO MY WEDDING IS N HIS GRANDPARENTS HOUSE@I NEED HIS APPROVAL OF FIANCE OR I CANT MARRY HIM@I WONT B W THEM. A BEER@GIVE RESULTS2HIS SISTER. HE HAS TILL JUNE2DECIDE2MEET HIM UNLESS MY MOM GETS WORSE. I WANT MY PARENTS2C ME GET MARRIED. I LUV MY SON@MISS THE BEST FRIEND I EVER HAD BUT IM SURE U NO THIS. WE WOULD LOVE4HIM2PLAY N OUR 3 DIFFERENT BANDS WERE IN@WILL B PLAYIN EVERYWHERE.
APPLES MOM"
Then I get a text from her, somehow she got my number? What the fuck!
"I NO JADE CAN B A PAIN IN THE ASS@A BITCH BUT SHE IS UR SISTER. U WERE THE 1ST2C HER DARK HAIR WHEN SHE WAS BEING BORN. U WERE THE ONLY 1 THAT I WANTED W ME. U R GONNA MAKE A GREAT FATHER SOMEDAY. U HELD MY HAND 4 10 MONTHS. I NO U HATE ME BUT PLEASE TALK2HER IN2 COMING2STAY W ME. SHE SLEPT N A TENT LAST@WONT FUCK4EXTRA CASH THATS WHY SHE QUIT THE 1444 CLUB. SHES NOT USING DOPE OR SHD DO ANY1. U DONT NO THIS BUT WHEN JADE WAS A BABY I GOT MIXD UP W THE CRIPS BUT THEY WERE PIMPS@GOT ALONG W THE BLOODS. I TOLD THEM ID RATHER B ON WELFARE@EVEN IF I DID NO PIMP WOULD MAKE A DIME. I HELPD WHORES GET OUT. I GAND ALL THERE REPECT. THERE OUT OF THE PIMP GAME BUT CAN HELP JADE CUZ MOST DANCERS HAV A PIMP. THERE NAMES R HENRY@HAROLD JONES. THEY'LL DO ANYTHING4ME, IM FAMILY. I NEED 1ORBOTH PHONE#S4 PROTECTION UNLESS U CAN GET HER2COME DOWN HERE@IF U EVER GET DESPERATE UR ALWAYS WELCOME 4EVER."
I just can't justify her sanity. I mean seriously? what the fuck?
Anyways tonight Crozz, Bryce and myself drove up to Portland to see The Album Leaf. They're an amazing band from San Diego, their set just blew me away it was phenomenal the opening bands were good as well Amonie Bell and Black Mamba really great sets. The only thing that bothered me is when TAL went on everybody moved up and I've got fucking tiny dancer in front of me and he keeps steppin on my shoes and getting his fro all up in my grill. Then I've got the bitch with the clap, clapping really loud next to my left ear and considering my right one is muted from this cold congestion shit...It was twice as loud. Then I got fucking thug mcnasty comin in to fucking take up our space...He stood between us and tiny dancer...not much space...The nerve of some people.
But Now It's off to slumber I made it home in one piece through the death fog from Portland home.
Long day...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Act 1, Scene 11
So these past couple of days have been weird. Lots of change happening all around.
Hanging out with people I haven't really kicked it with in awhile for one reason or another. Tearing the shop apart for the remodel. Dealing with angry people. Now I'm livin it up for a bit considering I have a few days off!
Tomorrow I'm getting massaged, then paying bills and cleaning house, after that I'm getting more work done on my arm pretty stoked on that.
Hopefully tuesday we can have practice after school.
Wednesday TBD.
Thursday School
Friday bring everything back into the shop.
Pretty eventful week pretty stoked on it.
Not much else to say. I'm out
Hanging out with people I haven't really kicked it with in awhile for one reason or another. Tearing the shop apart for the remodel. Dealing with angry people. Now I'm livin it up for a bit considering I have a few days off!
Tomorrow I'm getting massaged, then paying bills and cleaning house, after that I'm getting more work done on my arm pretty stoked on that.
Hopefully tuesday we can have practice after school.
Wednesday TBD.
Thursday School
Friday bring everything back into the shop.
Pretty eventful week pretty stoked on it.
Not much else to say. I'm out
Friday, January 23, 2009
Act 1, Scene 10
So It seems as though things get rough just to get picked back up.
So just when I think everything is going downhill I receive my W-2's and my grandmother god rest her soul is still willing to do my taxes for me. The ol' bat is still out living life to the fullest crazy lady I tell ya. But good for her I'm glad to see she's truckin along like it's nothing, cause lord knows I'm scared as fuck for her. Then I got an email telling me that my financial aid money went into my account so what did i do? Retail therapy got rid of my god damn sidekick and got my G1 such an amazing little gadget I tell ya. So that solves my insurance being shut off, my car payment being behind and I still have money in the bank and a ton in financial aid left over. Then I'll get my taxes and I should be good. Now I have money to go to the doctor, get glasses, and still have some saved up for a deposit on a new apartment whenever that happens or if I happen to get stuck, now I just need to see the debt consolidator or find one for that matter so I can get rid of this credit card debt.
I also ventured out this evening and went to the bar. I had a coke, and although I'm not drinking soda either I think it was o.k. to splurg because today was a good day. Everyone was a pretty good sport about me not drinking. The bartenders who are use to me ordering heiniken after heiniken and shot after shot of Jamesons were stunned when I had a coke and no whiskey to back it, but still no grief about it.
Also Missy came over and cuddled with me which is nice. We're very similar we just want to snuggle not be in a relationship with each other but snuggle and watch movies and fall asleep. It's rather cozy you might say. But it's still not enough to satisfy my desire to find a "Girlfriend" *Laughs*
Things are slowly working in my favor and we close the shop for a week for remodel it's about fucking time that shop looks like shit and now it'll look as Ben put it, "It's gonna be pretty tits". Gotta love it.
Well Off to sleep work in the morn!
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